I want to thank Sam for "recommending" Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. Boy, I'd like to see Part II, but hey, it's one of those Laws of Masterpieces -- they're ALWAYS hard to find. Except in, you know, museums and stuff. When the MOMA is tired of WOTLK II, I hope they bring it back to Blockbuster so I can see it.

This movie is, in no way, up to the stature of "Sinbad of the Seven Seas," but then, what is? That movie exists in a realm all its own. Let's hope we never send a space probe to that realm. "Wizards" gives it the old college try, though. ("Sinbad," by the way, had his revenge. When I moved his cassette, I dropped it, and it [OW!] fell on my foot.)

This is a fun movie, but I have a feeling it is trying to be tongue in cheek. Most of Bo Svenson's lines sound like (failed) comedy. Bo, incidentally, seems to be having the time of his life. (His acting stinks, but he got his name above the title! He plays "Kor," and wouldn't it be cool if his last name was "Blimey"?) True, when we first see him, he is hiding his face in his hands, but he seems to reconcile to his fate quickly, and he's making with the quips faster than A. Schwartzenegger. And worser, too.

James Horner wrote the music for this thing (along with Christopher Young, of Hellraiser I and II fame). Both are very talented men, but you can sure spot JH's contributions. They sound EXACTLY like his score for "Star Trek II." In fact, it sounds like the filmmakers just bought the album and cued it in. Either that, or Mr. Horner's palette is a bit limited. Gosh, I would sure hate to think that, though. They also use the "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" bwooonng noise (I think it's a synthesized steel guitar?) a lot. But then, Jerry Goldsmith wrote that. Gosh, makes Hulk's *head* hurt.

Then we have some characters, some dialogue, some action scenes. Oh. Wait. No, we don't have any of those. Oops.

The evil wizard exterminates a dwarf just because the dwarf says, "We're still looking for [the ring]." This is believable. I've worked for bosses like this.

Yadda, yadda, yadda. I think this movie could have used this as its slogan. "Wizards, magic, bad stuff, yadda yadda yadda! Four stars!" (Four really small stars, too. Maybe -- and here Scaarge creates a new cinematic rating -- four black holes!)

The elf at the cookie house was the scariest thing about this movie. He looks EXACTLY like a Garden Gnome -- you know, one of those plaster things people put in their gardens to, um, I don't know...make rabbits not want to eat anything he's touched? Anyway, the sight of one of those things walking around and talking is real nightmare material. Norman Bates, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees...geez, they're about as scary as Don Knotts compared to this guy. And he can show up anywhere, too. At any time. (shudder) Man, I'm going to have to sleep with the lights on tonight.

His name, incidentally, is Hurla. I think that's because he makes people want to "hurl," and maybe he has a Brooklyn accent. I like his line, "The power of good is fading!" but I sure hope he's not referring to the power of this movie to be any good. Sorry, Hurla, this movie never had that ability. The power of X-Ray Vision would happen first, believe me. It *does* have the power to induce headaches, though. Go with what you have, man.

A word on Gulfax, the big polar-bear-if-you-kinda-squint guy. And that word is "Wha--?" First of all, why is he here? He does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He speaks like the wizard guy from Sinbad (hey! a connection!) if you slow the tape way down; otherwise, he just stands there. Secondly, WHO thought this was a GOOD, or even PASSABLE costume? I figure the person who ok'd it had to be some guy who'd just had a lobotomy after downing a fifth of gin and having his glasses crushed. And he was only shown a blurry photograph of a bad sketch at a distance of 100 yards. And there were guns pointed at him. I mean, who in their right mind would have seen this thing on the set and said, "Wow, we have GOT to have him in the movie A LOT!"? (I'm assuming there were some right minds on set, but there I go assuming again.)

I figure the actor in the Gulfax suit must be the producer. Or maybe someone who bought everyone lunch one day? Aside from, "Why did they make this movie?" he's definitely the Thing That Makes You Go "Huh?"

You know, it is AWFULLY nice of the Garden Gnome to say, "The hardest part is through Suicide Cavern" AFTER our two heroes are out of earshot. OK, let's open it up to the audience! Who signs this guy's paycheck? I mean, why not tell the heroes this, unless you're on the evil side?

I'd like to say a word on the plot, but I haven't been able to find it yet. Maybe it fell under the couch?

You know, it's strange -- very strange. The end credits for these sorts of things are usually full of Italian or Spanish names. But these are all names like "Mike Smith" and stuff. Where was this thing made? Did they fake ALL the credits just for the massive U.S. market? Of course, this may have been wise, since "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom" was a huge money-maker, the second highest grossing film in the year of its release....excuse me, the phone. (beat) Oops. I think I was mistaken in the profitability realm for this movie. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

My conclusion is hardly surprising, though. "Sinbad," dropped on one's toe, is more entertaining (and enlightening!) than "Wizards." Sorry guys, I know you tried (er, I hope you tried).

And which is more painful, having a cassette dropped on your toe from a height, or watching "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom"? Guess. A hint: one of them *still* smarts.