It's "Alien" under water.

Ok, so there's more to it than that -- specifically, poor special effects. And don't get me started on the script. I remember reading an interview with Amanda Pays after "Leviathan" was released -- she said that the film was the hardest she'd ever had to do. I wonder if she was referring to the script?

As a teenager, I admit to having quite a crush on Amanda Pays (I notice she's dropped the "Du" from her name now). So much so in fact, that I actually subjected myself to watching the film "The Flash." I could write a whole other article on "The Flash."

Anyway, the thought of seeing her in a high cut swim suit (which was on the publicity poster of the film) was too much for my adolescent mind, and so I decided to see the film. Unperturbed by the fact that it was only in theatrical release for two weeks and there were no copies to be found in the video store, I bought (yes, as in, paid money for) a copy of the film. I guess warning bells should have rung when the film was available to buy just weeks after being released.

The film contains a fairly solid cast: Peter "Robocop" Weller, Ernie "The Crow" Hudson, Daniel "Home Alone" Stern, Richard "Rambo" Crenna ,and Hector "Pretty Woman" Elizondo.

Unfortunately, it's obviously for their performances in their less known (and best forgotten) pictures such as: Peter "Screamers" Weller, Ernie "Joy of Sex" Hudson, Daniel "CHUD" Stern, Richard "Death Ship" Crenna, and Hector "The Vixens" Elizondo -- that they were approached to act in this movie.

The plot is actually very similar to "Aliens." Very similar. Deep sea underwater miners discover a sunken Russian vessel called "Leviathan." They explore the sunken ship and find an old box (containing a hip flask filled with vodka), a videotape, and skeletons with elongated finger bones. The vodka is a special drug that turns whomever drinks it into a mutated man-fish with a thirst for blood. To make matters worse, if a man-fish touches you, you slowly turn into one. Anyway, despite the vodka being hidden by Weller (why he didn't just pour it down the toilet, I'll never know), Stern finds it and drinks it. So the chain starts.

They watch the videotape, but because it's in Russian, they seem to be none the wiser, despite the fact that a mutant man-fish can be seen ripping through a steel bulkhead in the background. I can't explain how dumb this is -- you'll have to try it for yourself. What you have to do is this: watch a Steven Seagal movie (any will do) with the volume turned way down and see if you can grasp the basics of what is happening. If you can, you'll probably be ok. If you can't, then you're probably going to turn into a mutated man-fish.

Weller plays the hero of the piece. Hudson (as usual) plays the hero's sidekick, and Pays plays a wanna-be astronaut (really). The rest of the cast plays alien fodder.

The alien's first appearance in the film "Alien" was one of the most terrifying things I saw -- a truly memorable cinematic moment. The mutated man-fish in this film's first appearance is also truly memorable -- it attacks one of the crew who rather foolishly opens a cupboard door. It is clearly a latex covered sock puppet.

The mutant man-fish turns everyone else apart from Weller, Hudson, and Pays into mutated men-fish, and the three aforementioned actors escape from the deep sea facility before blowing it up. This brings us to the most unlikely ending escape sequence I've seen in a film so far (with the possible exception of the director's cut of "The Abyss"). They return to the surface, having been 55 fathoms (or whatever) below the surface of the sea for six months. They do this in about 60 seconds -- but it's ok, because, handily, they have a "decompress" button on their deep sea diving suit (which is a bit like the "override" button that always appears on movie computers).

Unfortunately, one of the men-fish follows them (apparently men-fish don't need to decompress) and eats Hudson -- what a bummer, being eaten a mere 30 seconds before the end titles roll up. Weller blows it up with some explosive charge he happened to have in his pocket, and then he and Pays swim off together into the sunset.

Best line: Stern (to Pays): "Want some Vodka?" / Pays (totally deadpan): "No, thanks, I'm training to be an astronaut."

Things that make you go "Huh"?: When they play the Russian videotape (which has a man-fish ripping through a steel bulkhead in the background) and none of them understands what's going on. Also, the last three minutes of the film.