Oh boy. Anybody who's heard of this movie probably had enough sense to stay away from it. But, since the weekend was going slow, I picked it up. Seeing the hokey commercials and hearing other reviews wasn't nearly enough to prepare me for this, though.

Let's get the plot out of the way first: Shao Kahn, the big evil guy of the movie, breaks the rules of Mortal Kombat and starts merging the Earth realm with the Outworld realm. This, of course, is a very bad thing, so the heroes of the movie, Lui Kang, Katana, Raiden, Sonya Blade, and Jax have to go and stop the evil guy. Of course the only way to do this is to have a whole lot unrealistic kung fu fights. The plot was pretty miserable, but the acting just made the movie unbearable. Only two of the original actors from the first Mortal Kombat movie return, and they are the only people in the entire movie who can say their lines without making you want to stick an icepick through your head. The new Raiden was the worst, considering he had the most lines and was one of the worst actors I've had the misfortune of having to endure for an hour and a half. Everytime Shao Kahn made a threat or speech I couldn't help but laugh. The dialogue only made things worse. Much, much worse. Throughout the movie, enemies appear out of nowhere to fight constantly. There was absolutely no real martial arts at all in this film, unlike the original. The moves in this movie are more like the game. All of a sudden everybody can jump fifty feet in the air, float for about five seconds in mid-air, throw fireballs, whatever. It's so ridiculous, the Power Rangers have better fights. Another interesting thing in this movie is that nobody knows how to use stairs. Everybody just jumps or flips down them. Just watch -- nobody ever walks down stairs in the entire movie.

The best bad movie laughs come from Sub-Zero and Nightwolf. Sub-Zero arrives to help out Lui Kang and Katana while fighting a robot called Smoke, says he's the original Sub-Zero's brother and that Smoke used to be hunting him down, gets in a fight with Scorpion, and disappears. We never see him again. Never.

But Nightwolf was the worst. He pops out as a wolf, morphs into a human, tells Lui Kang he has to pass three tests, and the first one involves having an axe thrown at you. Then he disappears. Neither Nightwolf nor the three tests are heard from again. These two subplots are brought up, then never addressed again. It's so ridiculous, I just couldn't believe it when the movie ended.

Only rent this movie with friends so you can make fun of it. It's very hard to get through this movie alone, believe me. It begins with the Mortal Kombat symbol being crushed as the word "Annhilation" appears. I wonder if the people responsible for this abomination knew how symbolic that was.

Rating: 3.5 turkeys.

Fight scene to watch for: Shiva vs. the Heavy Falling Cage.

Best line: "Find your animality..."

Things that make you go "Huh?": If Jax's metal arm thingies are supposed to quadruple his strength, then how come he gets stronger when he takes them off?