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I entered the theater expecting a terrible monster film. I was not disappointed, and neither will you be.
It starts with a scientist researching beavers in Maine. To do this, apparently, he must go out in a motorboat with the local sheriff. Sheriff eventually ends up pulling half a scientist out of the water. The demi-scientist looks at him, then dies.
Cut to the city. A scientist at a museum is asked by her ex-lover/boss to go investigate a tooth found in the beaver guy. Of course, scientist lady is indignant because she knows her boss just wants to get rid of her for a while, establishing her character as the b****y woman.
She gets to Maine where she acts like the typical city girl in the country. She joins Sheriff and Game Warden, who don't think she's necessary (which is mostly true). Much static. They are joined by a millionaire crocodile enthusiast in a helicopter. This man worships crocodiles. All character development and scary foreboding music so far. They have several random assistant/deputies along (to get eaten, of course).
All this unfolds in a fairly stupid manner. The cast of characters goes on several episodic expeditions to find the creature. During these, you can tell when the crocodile is near because fish jump out of the water. We learn that they do this because they're "scared." In one episode, someone pulls a moose head out of the water and flings it towards scientist woman. She screams and barks about it for twenty minutes after. One of my favorite episodes on the water is when a deputy leans over the side of the boat, and the croc leaps out of the water and bites his head off. Later, they find his head almost perfectly intact in the forest (again, somehow flung at the scientist woman). Why would the croc bite off a head just to spit it back out??? Wouldn't he eat it? Seems like a waste of a head to me.
After random scenes of character tension and "scariness," we find that a crazy old woman who lives on the lake (which, by the way, is NOT Lake Placid) feeding a cow to the croc. It seems she has been feeding him like that for years. I wonder, how could she come up with that many cows? It's not like she owns a ranch or anything.
So, finally, everyone is convinced that the animal is INDEED a crocodile, even after seeing it several times. Sheriff wants to kill it, in the true form of Movie Dumb Brute. Woman Scientist wants to save this *beautiful* creature. They decide that they will tranquilize it and bring it to a zoo or something. What follows is a truly ludicrous scene. One of the old lady's cows is hung from Croc Worshipper's helicopter, in an attempt to lure the croc to jump out of the water so they can shoot him with tranquilizers. The Scientist Lady is of course *so worried* that something will happen. She observes, "That is not a happy cow!" and later when the cow moos, she exclaims "She's mooing!"
WOW! Who did they hire to write this??? Anyway, in an attempt at a climactic action sequence the crocodile gets his head stuck in the helicopter (a sight to behold!), and they have drugged him up when, surprise! A second crocodile lunges out! I NEVER saw that coming!
After everything is said and over, we know all is well, when we cut to old lady again. We see her throwing little pieces of meat into the water. What could that mean?? Oh my goodness! We see little baby crocodiles eating meat! That deceptive old lady! Curse her! She left room for a sequel!
Rating: if seen with group, four turkeys.
Scene to watch for: Cow dangling from helicopter.
Best lines: (all said by lady scientist)
Things that make you go "Huh?": The fish are jumping! That means they're SCARED! Why didn't Mr. Croc eat that head?