This movie would be more properly titled "Jet Jagular and Godzilla vs. Megalon and Gigan." It follows the traditional format for Japanese monster movies, not varying an inch from the expected plot. The movie begins with a nuclear explosion in the Aleutian islands upsetting the monsters of Monster Island in the South Pacific (watch for a cameo of Mothra). Then we cut to an anonymous lake somewhere in Japan where the requisite annoying young kid in obscenely short shorts almost gets sucked into a whirlpool. Luckily, two men on the shore of the lake save the boy, named Rocsa, and doom us to suffering his presence for the rest of the movie. Meanwhile the lake drains out through cracks in the ground that apparently opened up during the aforementioned nuclear explosion.

Despite the supposed horrific destruction wreaked by the nuclear test in the Aleutians, the three drive back to town discussing in deadpan tones how funny it would be if the earthquakes destroyed their robot. They chuckle briefly, and one replies, "Hilarious."

They arrive at the laboratory of one of the men, named Goro, and are attacked. Goro and Rocsa get knocked out, and the other man (apparently nameless) chases the attackers in a car chase in which the "squealing tires" sound effect is overused by an order of magnitude. Meanwhile, Goro and Rocsa check through the lab and discover it has been trashed, but Goro's precious robot, Jet Jagular, has not been harmed. They also discover a small pile of sand. Looking at the sand later, the nameless man says, "It's sort of red." Goro replies, in an astounding leap of intuition, "Probably from off their shoes." Where did they expect it to come from? Under their fingernails?

Elsewhere, the hairiest half-clad European man in the world announces to his followers (consisting entirely of women in bikinis and a single military official) that Seatopia is sick of nuclear tests and intends to go to war with the "people of Earth." Evidently the oceans are no longer a part of Earth. We also learn that the statues of Easter Island are three million years old, and they depict the gods of the Seatopian people or something. Anyway, this all serves as an excuse to give Megalon a call.

And so, predictably, Megalon arrives. Megalon appears to be a beetle but has a tail and only four appendages. I can only surmise this is because all Monster Island monsters are based on the same rubber suit mold. His distinguishing characteristics are the drill bits that serve as his hands. He moves by means of awkward standing jumps and shoots red fire from his forehead and bombs from his mandibles. Goro's attackers, it turns out, managed to steal control of Jet Jagular and use him to lead Megalon to Tokyo, which of course gets destroyed. The obligatory useless attack of the Japanese army against Megalon also takes place, even though nobody but Rocsa, Goro, and the nameless man witnessed everything up until this point.

The destruction of Tokyo is made of the usual B-movie explosions and old military footage and is generally boring. However, the adventures of Rocsa, Goro, and the nameless man during Megalon's attack form the most amusing part of the entire movie. One of the Seatopians manages to tie up the nameless man and feels it necessary to explain to him the villains' entire plan. He describes the superiority of Seatopian scientists, explaining that even though their continent sunk beneath the ocean they doggedly managed to survive. They manufacture their own oxygen and even made a new sun. However, they didn't have time to invent robots in between these feats of engineering, so that's why they stole Goro's. When our hero inevitably escapes, the Seatopian radios back to his commander that, "He is aware of our whole mission here." Of course he's aware! You just told him!

Meanwhile, Goro and Rocsa get themselves locked into a big box on the back of a truck, where they roll around and hit their heads a lot. As their Seatopian captor prepares to dump the box over the side of a dam, Goro warns Rocsa, "Quick! Brace your legs!" As if that would help save you as you plunged to your death over a dam in a metal box. Luckily, the nameless man arrives just in time to watch Megalon hit the box with his drill bit as it falls over the dam. It goes flying over a nearby mountain like a baseball, lands with a tremendous thump on the ground, and bursts open to reveal...Goro and Rocsa, miraculously unharmed!

In another scene, the nameless man engages in another tire-squealing car chase, this one enlivened by perky elevator music and the sight of the cars driving down stairs and off cliffs. In the most inexplicable scene in the movie, a pursuer on a motorcycle gently coasts to a stop for no apparent reason. He then falls off his motorcycle, pulls a rope that just happens to be dangling nearby, and is covered by plaster that falls out of the sky.

Anyway, the plot, such as it is, starts up again when Goro manages to regain control of Jet Jagular. This is accomplished by Goro and Rocsa looting an abandoned toy store in Tokyo. Rocsa nabs himself a toy plane. They proceed to Goro's lab, now occupied by a Seatopian. Rocsa waves his new toy plane, and for some reason this makes the computers in the lab go all screwy. The nameless man then attacks the Seatopian, using Rocsa as a club (no kidding). After getting the computers back they send Jet Jagular to fetch Godzilla from Monster Island. Jet Jagular uses a flight controller's hand signals to convince Godzilla to come and save what's left of Tokyo.

From here the movie degenerates into a WWF tag-team wrestling match set in the middle of an obviously modeled countryside. Jet Jagular returns and revolts against Goro and the nameless man. Their explanation for this behavior? "He's reprogrammed himself for survival...he's on his own from now on." Evidently he had no intention of surviving before. Using heretofore unknown powers of magic, Jet Jagular becomes monster sized, giving rise to the best line of the movie (see below). The Seatopians call Gigan, who arrives and helps Megalon beat up Jet Jagular. Then Godzilla arrives and saves Jet Jagular and the world in the 20-minute Power Rangers reject scene that follows. In the end, Jet Jagular catches both Gigan and Megalon and holds them still while Godzilla kicks and spits at them. And we're supposed to be rooting for these monsters?

Anyway, Tokyo is saved, and Jet Jagular and Godzilla shake hands. Jet Jagular returns to human size, and Godzilla goes home to wait for the next attack on Tokyo. Goro provides the obligatory moral to the story by saying, "We'll warn the scientists to be more careful in the future." Well put, Goro.

Rating: three turkeys; two if you don't already appreciate Godzilla movies.

Scene to watch for: The Seatopian leader announces war to his bevy of Frederick's of Hollywood models.

Best line: When Jet Jagular suddenly turns monster size: "He programmed himself in some way to increase his own size."

Things that make you go "Huh?": So, why'd he pull the rope, anyway?