Combine cheesy science fiction, terrible acting, and martial arts, and what will you end up with? A stinker no doubt. Way back when in 1994, A-PIX Entertainment decided that was the formula for success, and their corporate womb spat out "Virtual Combat" starring Don "the Dragon" Wilson. There shouldn't be any need for me to go on, but if you're curious, I'm going to make fun of the movie a lot, so keep reading.

First things first. I'm not sure which is really the worse crime: Don's insistence on being called "The Dragon" or the fact that if he didn't, he'd be an action hero with the name Don Wilson. Somehow "Don Wilson" just loses any and all potential for intimidation. But the credits list him as Don "The Dragon" Wilson, World Kickboxing Champion, which is SO much more respectable.

Anyway, the film opens up with a dramatic pose of Don "The Quotation Marks" Wilson. A bad guy enters, and without any explaination a fight breaks out, setting the scene for the entire movie. After the random bad guy is eliminated, a voice comes in saying, "You have chosen well," and asks him to proceed to the next level. Ah, so it's all a video game. Silly me. A few more fights ensue, all straight out of various fighting games we all know and some of you love. You'll recognize DIRECT character rip-offs from "Street Fighter" and "Mortal Kombat," with BACKGROUNDS straight out of the later. Thanks guys. Rather than detail them, I'll just point your attention to the facial expressions of the guy with the blue pants (you'll see what I mean). Don "The Cheater" Wilson progresses as normal, then evidentally gets bored and skips ahead to the last level (there's only ten levels in movieland).

Enter: the antagonist. Don "The Observant" Wilson finds a couple wooden sticks and wields them as weapons as the "final boss" shows up, clad in a stupid red mask and leather jacket. However, the mask is a GOOD thing, as you'll see later. His voice is done by none other than Michael Dorn, known to us all as "I Am Weasel" from the otherwise bland "Cow and Chicken" cartoon series. Good fact to set up jokes with. Anyway, they fight, and Don "The Victorious" Wilson beats him, only to be stabbed in the back by the somehow resurrected villian, who utters his catch phrase "Everyone loses to Dante." Clever.

By now, I'm sure you've all figured out it's going to be a virtual reality thing. Kiss your science books goodbye, folks. Anyway, Don "The Loser" Wilson screams in pain, and the VR machine comes to a halt. For some reason he was spinning uncontrollably on one of those Lawnmowerman-esque ring set ups. I GUESS it's try to disorient the user to make the experience of vomit more believable or something.

Enter: the sidekick. Not So Memorable (NSM from here on) tells Don "The Misinformed" Wilson how he should spend more time with cybersex, spouting out a line about the women being machines "with big microchips."

Stuff Happens: Don "The Honorable" Wilson and NSM are border cops in a future where every state and sometimes city is marked off into grids. Los Angeles is a grid. So is Las Vegas, where Don "The Gambler" Wilson begins his quest. So is Arizona and Ohio. Watch grid signs for inconsistency laughs. Anyway, a bunch of hackers disguised as bodybuilders steal software from a clearly labeled hidden "Data I/O." Come on. They beat a couple cops, look real evil, and then get a major kicking from Don "The C.H.I.P.S. Reject" Wilson and NSM. They go to a bar, NSM gets drunk, and somewhere in here we get a cameo of Rip Taylor. Oh, somewhere in here NSM spits out a line about one not being able to beat a computer at its own game. Odd -- I seem to remember beating SEVERAL video games. I must have imagined it or something I guess.

The Plot Begins (that's what I said): Evil corporate tycoon and organist learns from his scientist lackey that they can synthesize flesh and create living versions of VR characters via "Null Cells." Okay. Whatever. They make a couple of cybersex chicks (our "sexy lead" and "dominatrix stereotype") and decide to sell them on the black market. They chain them up and cart them off. Unfortunately, as the scientist is left alone to die, Dante manages to create himself (oh, evidently only one person could be made from any one given AI program, despite the fact that millions of users can access them simultaneously). Immediately upon leaving the tank of green slime (yep, green slime), he removes his mask, revealing perhaps one of the silliest actors for a bad guy I've ever seen. Not that he's immediately silly, but watch his facial expressions throughout the movie. Fabulous! Particularly since he is not "I Am Weasel," he doesn't actually move his mouth when he talks. I suppose that's better than bad dubbing...? It just never gets old! Anyway, he tries to make his friends from the video game, and Herr Expendable Doctor shuts off the computer (if you have any computer knowledge, check out the system displays throughout the film -- random ASCII does not equal code, last I checked!), revealing that it can't be turned on again unless you go to L.A., evidentally the electronic center of the world. Whatever. The doctor is predictably killed.

Meanwhile: The Phantom of the Software Corporation smuggles the two "A-Lifers" (that also doesn't seem to get old) across the border into the next grid. The Dominatrix Stereotype reveals she's also a kickboxer or something, and Dante reveals through silly dramatic actions he can telepathically communicate with the two girls. Back at the bar, our heros leave and NSM (who is drunk, but only in this scene) wants to check out this "code red" at the border that I don't recall him hearing about. Don "The Tired" Wilson wants to go to sleep, and they go home. Of course, NSM checks it out anyway, and despite the fact that our corporate friend drove a jeep across the border, finds footprints but no tire tracks. Ok. I should mention that everyone in the future seems to have these Deus Ex Machinas in the form of a palm pilot that each contain a different bad actor. Kind of like Pokemon I guess. Anyway, Dante kills him, setting up the MOTIVATION.

Predictable Stuff Happens: Don "The Renegade" Wilson quits to find his partner's killer, talks to his emotionally unstable widow, gets picked on by the cops, questions his motivations, goes to L.A., and a fight breaks out. The police chief is in cahoots. Dante helps the women escape (how they do is actually NOT predictable but VERY questionable), Dominatrix Stereotype goes off to find him, and the Oh-So-Useful Lead runs away. She runs into Don "The Bummin" Wilson in a Mission, he saves her from another bum, and they go into the basement. There, Don "The Clever" Wilson removes her restraint collar; in response, she tries to come on to him. He declines, saying he doesn't know her, and she cries on his shoulder. Evidently, that's all the introduction Don "The Pimpdaddy" Wilson needs, and we get more gratuity, even down to the "Ok, now face the camera." Then a fight breaks out. Turns out that all virtual people know martial arts.

Then, in a total debasement of logic, she communicates with Dante and convinces him they're somewhere they're not. Then they go there. Naturally, he takes Oh-So-Useful, and Don "The Tired Joke" Wilson kills Dominatrix Stereotype. The corporate hoods show up, distract Dante, and take O-S-U away. Don "The Clueless" Wilson calls his ex-boss and waits for him in his hotel room. Predictably, he tries to kill Don "The Gullible" Wilson and gets killed himself. We also get the standard training sequence, complete with slipping the knife into the boot. This is only important because he NEVER uses it.

Final Conflict No. 1: Don "The Sneaky" Wilson breaks into Evil Inc. Headquarters, and we get a funny scene involving a gun. Naturally, he isn't killed and, after a few fights, runs out to catch C.E.O. Portly and O-S-U, who are trying to escape via a really slow helicopter. I won't reveal this scene; it's too funny. But there's this great bit where Don "The Not-So-Bright" Wilson outruns four shots from the gun but stops when he's told, "That's about far enough." Watch the bullet count, too. C.E.O. Portly is killed, and they run off to stop Dante.

Final Conflict No. 2: Dante breaks into the L.A. Grid computer central something or other. During one of the many fights, his jacket slips off his shoulder, and, rather than fixing it, he leaves it hanging off for the duration of the scene. Is he thinking, "Man, I look SO cool," or "I've GOT to get a better job"? The world may never know. Don "The Dragging" Wilson and O-S-U show up, and FINALLY Dante kills O-S-U. I mean, you see it coming from fifteen or twenty miles off. So now with TWO deaths under his belt, Don "The Motivated" Wilson hunts down Dante, who has, go figure, already started the good doctor's lab up again, and for some reason puts a timer on the life creation thing. Of course, it doesn't run by anywhere near real time, but it's far from the most inconsistent timer in a movie. They fight, Dante taunts, and so on and so on. At one point Dante decides they need swords and makes himself a pirate's cutlass! I'm still giggling about that! Don "The Ninja Master" Wilson manages to cut off one of Dante's hands, and he grows a new one. Damn, these "A-lifers" never seem to run short of new magic powers! Don "The Really Silly" Wilson kills Dante in the stupidest way imaginable. Evidently, only O-S-U was exempt from the rules explained when Dominatrix Stereotype was killed. 500 psi is the quasi-scientific catch phrase of the film. Anyway, he stops it just in the nick of time (go figure), and we get to see the same aborted life creation shot we saw before.

All's Well That Ends: Don "the Hero" Wilson returns to Vegas and finally gives NSM's widow the mini-disc (evidently the data storage of the future) with NSM's virtual self that Don "The Selfish" Wilson brought with him through the whole movie. And as each and every one of you could/should have known, it ends with Don "The Horny Guy" Wilson fooling around with O-S-U, who seemed to have kept the memories she gained when she became hardware instead of software. Give me a break. At least it ends there.

Overall, I'd give this three turkeys, four if you like martial arts films. But it's not necessary; even I could tell the fights were poorly done. But it's far from the worst film I've ever seen. That honor goes to the elusive "Troll 2."

Scene to watch for: The helicopter/escape scene.

Best line: "It's artificial life. It's A-Life." Good, just what you need.

Things that make you go "Huh?": The whip. You'll see what I mean.

Response From RinkWorks:

Wow, you liked this movie way more than I did. I thought it was just slow and boring. And stupid, of course.