I guess some producers were looking for a sure-fire hit and decided, "Hey, a lot of people liked 'Saturday Night Fever.' I think the soundtrack even sold a few copies! Let's make a sequel!"

They probably asked John Travolta, who probably said something akin to, "What the hell; I've just squandered away my 'Grease' good will by making 'Two of a Kind' with Olivia Newton-John; I've got nothing to lose. By the way what is the story? Is it going to pickup with what happened to the girl I was with at the end of the first film? What happened to my bestfriends? My family? My brother?"

"No John, we think we're going to have the character star in a Broadway musical."

"Well, that works for me! I'm sure it will be fine. There are plenty of people who can film good broadway musicals. Is Fosse going to direct this?"

"No John, we couldn't get Fosse, but Sylvester Stallone can't wait to write and direct his first musical. If we act fast we can even get his brother Frank to do half the soundtrack."

"Wow, Rambo! Sign me up."

So here we are. "Staying Alive" is a sequel to "Saturday Night Fever." If you haven't seen "Saturday Night Fever," that's ok. If it wasn't for the fact that John Travolta was in "Saturday Night Fever," I'd be tempted to say no one who made this film saw the first one either.

Now Tony Manero (Travolta) is itching to be a Broadway dancer. He and his girlfriend get roles as backup dancers for the new broadway production of "Satan's Alley."

However, the lead dancer (Fionna Hughes) has the hots for Manero, cuz...well, she's a woman and apparently all women have the hots for bulky stupid men who look like they might have starred on "Welcome Back Kotter" at one time. Through a chain of events not worth repeating, Manero is promoted to her co-lead role.

His girlfriend is insanely jealous. Not about the fact that he got a better role than her when -- how should I put this -- he's laughably bad. No, that's fine. She's upset that she's sharing this gift to women with the lead actress.

Everything builds up to the opening night of "Satan's Alley," which is sooooo bad it makes "Carrie: the Musical" look like "My Fair Lady."

Now a little about this musical: It is apparently a choreographed trip through Dantes' Inferno (really). All of the women are in sequined red skin tight leotards, and all of the men are in loincloths. And everybody sweats. John Travolta sweats more in these fifteen minutes than the entire cast of "Time To Kill" combined. Imagine Andrew Lloyd Webber combining "Starlight Express" and "Apocalypse Now." Now imagine it being worse than you originally imagined. Now you're close.

Of course, none of that matters. Through his emotional heart-felt dancin', Monero reconfesses his love to his girlfriend, dumps the lead actress, and electrifies the audience so much they actually give this crud a standing ovation -- even though the show only lasts fifteen minutes. Maybe they were just glad it was over.

At the end his lead actress frowns, his girlfriend hugs him, and he states the only good line of the film and FINALLY walks down the street to the sound of the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive," which was the only thing a lot of people wanted to see in the first place.

Rating: 4 turkeys. It's a pain getting to it, but "Satan's Alley" makes up for all the time wasted on the first hour and a half.

Best line: "What are you going to do?" / "I'm gonna strut!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": Why would anyone hire Sylvester Stallone to write and direct a musical? And why did they let him and his lion maned hair make a cameo?