Wow. I've always loved war movies and bad movies. Lucky for me (and all those like me), Chuck Norris has churned out a ton of both, usually at the same time.

The pinnacle of badness, however, has got to be "Missing In Action."

The basic idea here is that Chuck Norris is Braddock, the toughest soldier in the entire United States. He has some kind of bizarre talents, because the United States government desperately wants him to go back to Vietnam and rescue a bunch of POWs that nobody even knows about. Braddock, however, has had his fill of war and refuses. After an angry confrontation with his former commander, he goes home to sleep. In his sleep he gets a flashback to his days in Vietnam.

Two scenes especially stick to mind. In the first, Braddock and his men are pulling out from the village and a Vietnamese soldier manages to sneak behind Braddock. Just as he's about to shoot, he gets gunned down by Braddock's buddy. Braddock spins around and sees his buddy giving him a thumbs up. As Braddock returns the gesture, his buddy is mercilessly gunned down and collapses in a bloody mess. Braddock doesn't stop to think about it and simply jogs away, not even stopping to check on his friend.

A few minutes later Braddock is BACK in the village, walking on some ruined buldings when he spots a machine gun emplacement below him. How does Braddock take out the nest? He pulls takes out two grenades and gives us the single most gut-wrenchingly funny, milk-spilling-out-through-your-nose scene in film history. Still dressed in a T-shirt, Braddock pulls the pins off the grenades and (while still holding them) runs towards the camera and jumps off the building. He falls off the screen towards the lefthand corner and then, suddenly, a huge explosion erupts in the RIGHT hand corner and Braddock wakes up in his home. What?!? WHAT?! I'd imagine that detonating two grenades in your bare hands might be lethal, but I may be mistaken.

We are immediately treated to another, possibly even more absurd and idiotic scene, where Braddock wakes up, walks to the phone, picks up the receiver and says, "I'll do it." We can only presume he has a hotline to the general's office, but we can't be sure, as Braddock is immediately whisked off to Vietnam.

Here the movie becomes boring for a while when Braddock picks up a hot chick from the hotel where he's staying, is almost assassinated twice, and then after some interesting (in other words: idiotic) plot twists, goes off to rescue his fellow soldiers.

Other memorable moments include a hilarious torture scene, where Braddock, having been captured by the Vietnamese, is horribly tortured by having himself tied to some sticks and left out to dry. Then an evil general comes along and for no apparent reason sticks a huge knife into Braddock's stomach.

Later on in the movie Braddock teams up with an American who also fought in the war and for some bizarre reason now cruises around in a huge boat filled to the brim with weapons. This is good, however, as his acting is, if possible, even worse than Chuck Norris'.

Towards the end of the movie we get several hilarious scenes including a chase scene where Braddock evades his chasers by loading his truck with grenades, stopping in the middle of a long, straight road, and waiting for the enemy to drive into his truck.

In the end everything works out, and Braddock rescues a lot of prisoners, but thankfully not all of them, setting up for at least four sequels, which are, if possible, even more hilarious.

This is a truly classic bad movie, featuring laughable dialogue, awful one-liners, a plot that defies sanity, and special effects that leave you rolling on the floor. If you haven't already, see this movie as soon as possible!

Turkey rating: 4 1/2 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Braddock destroys Vietnamese machine gun emplacement with grenades.

Best line: Pick any of them; they're all bad.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Braddock's supernatural telephone.

Response From RinkWorks:

For the record, the full titles for the three episodes of the series: "Missing In Action" (1984), "Missing In Action II: The Beginning" (1985), and "Braddock: Missing In Action III" (1988). -- Sam.

Does this remind anyone else of the plot of "Rambo: First Blood Part II"? Which came first? -- Dave.

The Rambo trilogy: "First Blood" (1982), "Rambo: First Blood Part II" (1985), and "Rambo III" (1988). Even the (ridiculous) naming schemes of the two series are similar. -- Sam.