If I were ever able to talk to a producer of a science fiction movie, I'd attempt to discourage them from casting rock stars in key parts. Sadly, the producers of this movie didn't have anyone to slap them across the face with a large bass when they made this one.... You'll see what I mean.

This movie was made in the late 70s and is based on a very very very good book of the same name by Frank Herbert. Sadly, even after reading the book, I couldn't tell what was going on at times, because everything was so gosh darn confusing.

Anyways, the events of this story take place in the year ten thousand nine hundred and ninety-one (although the geniuses at Blockbuster printed it "10,9991" on the back). The beginning of the story is very confusing, so I'll just cut to the good parts.

Paul, who is supposedly the universe's Super Being, is stranded on a desert planet with his mother after his father is killed. They are in a cave but must find better shelter in the open desert for some reason. Since the planet is inhabited by these things called "sand worms" that are extremely large and attack any vibration on the surface, Paul tells his mother to "walk without rhythm" across the sand. Sadly, they both seem to forget this immediately and begin to run across the valley with a beat you could set a metronome with. And, predictably, a worm comes, scares the living daylights out of them, and leaves. Sheesh.

Anyway, they finally get across and into another cave. They turn a corner and see these dirty people with blue eyes (don't ask me why) called the Fremen. "Such stealth. I didn't even hear them," exclaims Paul's mother. Perhaps that's because they weren't moving at all? Anyway, these people automatically assume him as their leader on the spot for some unknown reason, and he becomes friends with a man named Stilgar. After showing off some of his weapons, Paul gives Stilgar a knowing glance.

Cut ahead two years, and Paul is a full-fledged Fremen by now. He decides to drink this poison (what this has to do with anything is anyone's guess), and, as he is lying in the sand, a bunch of sand worms surround him and hang their mouths open. Everyone's nose begins to bleed. The cheesy music fades in with a classical orchestra backed up by an overdrive guitar that plays the same chord every five minutes. After Paul recovers from drinking this poison, he gives Stilgar a knowing glance.

For some reason, Paul decides to get his gang of devoted followers together and fight a Fat Man who floats around a lot. Paul rides his first sand worm, which is supposed to be a big accomplishment or something. After he successfully mounts one, he gives Stilgar a knowing glance.

Anyway, the battle between Paul's guys and the Fat Man's guys (who look like they're wearing radiation suits and shuffle when they run) begins, and of course Paul's guys win. They achieve this victory by holding cardboard boxes painted silver and yelling "Toga," thus causing the bad guys to either fall over or blow up. Actually, none of Paul's desert people die at all -- no, wait, I think a sand worm got burned a bit. Seeing that the battle is going well, Paul turns to Stilgar on his sand worm and gives him a knowing glance.

So Paul, with his large 70s hair (which must have had just the right amount of hair spray in it to keep it puffy after two years in the desert), talks to this emperor guy for some reason and challenges the fat man's nephew, who is played by everyone's favorite thespian and rock legend: Sting. Paul wins, of course, and gives Stilgar a knowing glance.

Now for this movie, Sting had to master two appearances -- arrogant and dead. The first one he gets pretty well, but after getting killed, the producers decided to spray blood all over him and have a knife sticking out of the underside of his chin just to show the audience that he is, in fact, dead, and not just lying on the ground staring up at Paul arrogantly. Still, it was hard to tell.

Anyway, it rains for the first time ever on this planet, but who cares, because no one knows what's going on anyway. There are more than enough things that make you go "Huh?": like the cat grafted to a mouse whose milk is a poison antidote, the giant tumor with an anus for a mouth, and the scene where the fat man rips a piece of flesh off an upside-down cow (being cut up by midgets) and eats it.

I give this movie a 3 1/2 turkey rating (Sting's gripping performance earned this movie a whole turkey). It is well deserved.

Scene to watch for: Paul drinks poison; he is surrounded by giant worms; everyone's nose bleeds.