Someone somewhere described this movie as Archie and Jughead in space, and that sounds reasonably accurate. So, on to the show:

The opening montage, a kind of AOL of the future, is actually quite an effective, nice little propaganda reel.

In the first scene of the movie proper, it's the final day of class, and Mr. Weatherbee is summing up What We Learned This Year. I guess he must teach Civics for Dummies, because every one of the students gets his questions wrong, and they make statements indicating they haven't been paying attention at all. I can't imagine anyone made a good grade in Weatherbee's class, except maybe our hero, Archie, who quotes "the exact words of the text" but doesn't understand them. (Good for passing the exams, though.) In addition to Archie, we also meet Betty and Veronica, and the Telepathic Science Guy who, I think, has no counterpart in Archie's world. Betty has her eye on Archie, but Archie can only see Veronica.

I'd like mention that almost all these characters have more cardboard in them than a UPS station. But Denise Richardson, who plays Veronica, is the most plastic person I have ever seen. If they ever make "Barbie: The Motion Picture," she's a natural.

We then have several scenes that Foreshadow What Will Come And Various Plot Points. Let's skip them.

We have some kind of football game, in which Reggie is introduced. For someone who loves Archie, Veronica is incredibly disloyal. She practically jumps into Reggie's arms, using only her eyes. Later there's a dance, and Veronica also goes off to find Reggie. Archie's jealous, but she tells him he doesn't have to be. Gee.

Archie, Veronica, and Telepathic Science Guy (TSG) join the military, and have various training fun. Here, Archie meets Jughead. Veronica meets Reggie again and decides she doesn't want Archie any more. She sends him a video, though. Archie gets a guy (I think it's Moose) killed during a training exercise, and quits. Then, giant arachnids drop an asteroid on Earth, and he joins back up again.

Veronica is now the pilot of a starship. Reggie brings Veronica a cup of coffee while she's on duty, and it's a good thing, too. The cup of coffee is a vital tool in space travel, because a few moments later, the ship is nearly destroyed by an asteroid. It loses its communication array, so it can't warn the Earth about the asteroid. And what warned the ship in time? The ship's sensors? Radar? A lookout? No, it was the tidal forces exerted on that coffee, causing the surface to tilt. Why, we have that technology today!

Just think, if everyone in the movie "Armageddon" drank coffee, they'd have known about the asteroid months beforehand, instead of just a week or two.

Archie, Jughead, Betty, and their troops launch the most ill-conceived raid on the bug's home planet in the history of ill-conceived raids. The bugs and their abilities come as a huge surprise to everyone. We've seen that scientists have several specimens of bugs in captivity. And we've seen that TSG knows how to kill them: "Aim for the nerve stem," he says, while messily wasting a bug. Didn't these troopers get any training at all?

Anyway, the humans are decimated and vanquished. Their weapons are pathetically useless. It takes about 75-100 shots to kill one bug. I think we have better weapons today. Haven't they heard of flame throwers? (One of the rules of Monster Movies is, flame throwers are always good.) They do have nuclear grenades, but I guess they're expensive or something because they rarely use them.

Archie, Betty, and Jughead are assigned to a new unit. Mr. Weatherbee shows up again as the leader of this unit. Before, he had a withered arm; now he has a cool robotic one. My question is, why didn't he have one of those sooner? Are only military people allowed prosthetics? He was clearly a veteran, anyway -- are these arms that rare?

They launch a raid on a bug colony planet and capture it. And we're treated to a really, really great line. A "tanker bug," a sort of biological flame thrower, shows up. Archie jumps on its back, shoots a hole in it, drops a grenade in the hole, then rolls off as the bug explodes.

Mr. Weatherbee, very impressed, asks Archie where he learned those moves. And Archie says, "At school, sir. Don't you remember? I was captain of the team."

I can't tell you how funny this is. Yeah, we saw Archie play, but I don't remember him jumping on an opposing team member, shooting a hole in him, and dropping a grenade in him. I'm sure the referees would have dropped the flag on a play like that. Maybe it got edited out?

Anyway, at the big victory party Archie and Betty finally get together. But the whole troop is assigned to a rescue mission on another bug planet. Instead of being dropped off at the base, or at least near it, they have to trudge through canyons for miles to get there. Archie gets promoted when the radio guy gets killed by a flying bug. This bug seems to be another surprise to everyone. Don't they have any Military Intelligence? Why does all this stuff catch everyone by surprise?

Anyway, it turns out the rescue mission was all a trap by the bugs. When the troopers are in the fort, suddenly the bugs rush the compound. They come from miles away. Why weren't they closer? And why didn't the troopers use some of those damn nuclear grenades? A couple of those in the back of the horde would have taken out quite a few. Betty gets killed, and so does Mr. Weatherbee. Reggie and Veronica rescue the survivors. And there's going to be another raid on this planet to capture the "brain bug" in charge. Archie decides Mr. Weatherbee was totally cool and starts repeating almost all his lines.

Reggie and Veronica's ship gets destroyed by the bugs, and they escape in an Escape Pod of Escape. Reggie plots a landing site, and Veronica says, "Piece of cake." She then smashes the Escape Pod of Escape into a mountain top, then into the side of a mountain, where it comes to rest inside a cave. Quite some cake! After all that, it doesn't look damaged at all.

Ok, here's my question. Why isn't everything made from the same material that the Escape Pod of Escape is made from? The other starships, body armor, everything? It's the toughest material ever! No bugs could bite through this stuff!

Reggie and Veronica get skewered by warrior bugs and are brought before the brain bug. Reggie slips Veronica his knife, then gets his brains sucked out. Hey, Archie, Veronica's on the market again! Then Veronica is brought before the brain, and she uses Reggie's knife to slice off the brain sucker tentacle. The brain bug seems pretty upset by this.

Ok -- why couldn't Reggie do this? I suppose because of "movie logic." It's more dramatic that way. Or something. Zzzzzzzz...uh, what? Sorry, I fell asleep.

Archie, Jughead, and an Expendable Extra Named Sugar (AEENS) rescue Veronica. AEENS gets wounded but sets off one of the nuclear grenades. Our heroes outrun the explosion. (See "The Filmmaker's Exam.")

Well, the brain bug gets captured, and everyone cheers. Archie and Veronica meet the TSG, who says the brain bug is scared. Archie, Veronica, and the TSG laugh and congratulate each other, and are generally happy.

Wait just one second, though. Veronica just had a bug leg skewer her shoulder. Her uniform is still bloody. The leg was about three inches or so in diameter, and went in about three feet. I'm sorry, but personally I think that would smart a whole heck of a lot. I mean, that's a pain that's going to linger, I must say. Shouldn't she be looking for a doctor, instead of lollygagging around with her pals?

Of course, if she's plastic, then I guess it wouldn't hurt....

The movie basically ends then, with a snippet of AOL propaganda showing scientists torturing the brain bug. And we see how the careers of everyone have advanced. Yadda yaddda yadda.

Ok, here's the weird bit. I LIKE this movie. I own the laserdisk. (It's great to exercise to.) The music is swell, and the special effects are truly amazing. The bugs are never less than convincing, and the warrior bugs have the added bonus of being so complicated (they're all spiny limbs and horny plates) that we can't really make out what they look like in their entirety. Which, I think, exercises the imagination and makes them scarier. (Don't trust me, I liked "Sphere," too.)

Warning: the film is not for the squeamish, or for people with taste. The warrior bugs kill people by biting them into pieces, and we're shown this a number of times.

The really interesting thing though, is that the laserdisk has these out-takes on it, which if added to the movie, would have humanized the characters incredibly. Even Veronica. Why were they taken out? Did the filmmakers want their characters to be cardboard?

A mystery.

Rating: two turkeys. Not really funny until you've seen it a zillion times.

Best line: Aside from the "captain of the team" one, none.

Scene to watch for: Any time Veronica is with Archie. It's so obvious she doesn't care at all about him.

Things that make you go "Huh?": Most of the movie, really. Why is Archie so blind about Veronica? And even though science guys have been studying these creatures, why are they a complete mystery to the military?