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It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

Hackers (1995)

[3.0 turkeys]


It si about a L33T hax0r namd DADE but he goze by teh name ZERO COOL when he si just a script kiddie but tehn later by teh name CRASH BANDICOOT or sometihng lkie that (I wuzznt paying too good attenzhun cuz my stoopid cat kipt buging me I told him to git away but he kipt bugging me so I shots him acroos teh room tehn he hissed an runned away stoopid cat). Dade si cool and vary smart he hax0rs stuff. In teh beginning he hax0rs some TV stashun becuz tehy R pl@ying crap on teh TV and he wants to watch OUTAR LIMITS (A VARY QALITY SHOW) but tehn some othar hax0r gets in his face and hez like GO AWAY I AM HAX0RING TIHS STOOPID TV STASHUN and teh othar hax0r is like NO TIHS IS MY HAX0RING PLACE U GO AWAY so tehn they fight and watch othar qality shows like LAND OF TEH LOST tehn CRASH gets thrown out of teh sistem by teh othar hax0r naed ACID BURN who turns out to be a VARY HOT CHIX0R but CRASH duzzent know tihs yet so he is like "SHOOTS I WILL GIT TAHT HAX0R!"

Tehn DAde goes to skool but I hates skool so I wont talks about taht part of teh moovie and it was not vary good anyway but he meets the VARY HOT HAX0R but duzznt know it STOOPID CRASH SHE WANTS YOU STUDMOOFIN!!

Tehn Dade meets othar hax0rs with reely cool handals like LORD NIKON (likes teh CAMERA) and CEREAL KILLER (LOOK OUT CAP'N CRUNCH HERE COMES CEREAL KILLER!) and some othars taht I don't remembar and were not vary cool like teh othars.

ANYway teh goes to tihs place that I thinks they owns becuz they skates around inside and there are no adults and tehre are vary big viddeo gamez and it si vary cool but I don't remembars what happens there so I wont talks about it too much excapt that DADE beets the HOT CHIX0R AT A VIDEEO GAEM!!!!!!1 U SI STOOPID CRASH U DON'T BEET CHIX0RS OR TEHY WILL HATE U!!!

Tihs KID namd JOey wants to git a handal but he haz to score a RIGHTEOUS HACK first B4 HE can be 733t. So he goes home and hacks into sum big computar and steels tehir garbage which is NOT ACTUALL GARBAGE BUT SUM VIRUS OR SNAIL OR SOMETHING I wuzznt sure bcuz my cat came back and starts to bothar me again and startid biting my leg so I kicked hims again and he runs off STOOPID CAT I'M WACHING A LEET MOOVIE GOES AWAY!

But it si VARY COOL when teh hax0r things bcuz they have tihs VARY 733t GOOEY INTARFACE taht lets them fly around insides the computar in 3D and theys shots tihns at the kernal and blows stuffs up. I wisshes I had taht gooey bcuz whenevar I boots my LUNUX macheen it duzznt have taht and I haves to types commands and that SI NOT 733t!!! MAybee I just needs to git an appal computar with a P6 chip liks they hads in teh moovie I gess tehy come with taht 733t gooey.

Tehn JOEY gets cot by the SECRAT SERVACE!!! He goes to jail and all teh other 733t peepul are like OH NOS HE SI IN JAIL TEH WILL GETs US ALL! But tehn nothing happens so tehy have a contast to bug sum secrat servace guy but then things happen and teh hax0rs have to hax0r teh place joey hax0red so tehy can gets teh rest of teh GARBAGE taht joey gots so tehy can saves teh world. Tihs part wuz vary cool and was a vary qality piece of moovie making bcuz it was VARY TRUE. Tehy HAX0R into teh bad gys place and HIT TEHM WITH TEH DREEDED COOKEI MONSTAR VIRUS but teh bad guys are sortr fo 733t 2 tehy no to jist type "COOKIE" and teh viras gos away!! TEhn tehy send RABBITS and othar animals to kills teh bad guys but teh bad guy si like "HA HA I AM WAY 733t U CANT HAX0RS ME!" But tehn they send tha CANCAR and it EETS TEH FILAS OH NO U CANT HAVE A SYSTAM WITHOUT FIALS!! But teh bad guys TRIX0R tehm again and it looks like teh bad guy is goin to WIN OH NO!! But suddanly all teh hax0rs in teh world BRAKE INTO TEH SYSTAM and teh bad guys are like OH NO TEH ARE COMING IN FROM REMOTE NOSE! TEHY ARE IN TEH KERNAL!!! (Teh kernal si a VARY IMPORTANT part of teh computar and you have to be SUPA 733t to hax0r teh kernal it si vary hard and there are MANY GUNS PROTECTING THE KERNAL!! ITs not loke Kernal Clink tho he was stoopid Hogan gots away frum him all teh time THE TUNNEL IS UNDER TEH BED U IDIAT!!)

BUt finally teh shots their way in wiht their VIRAS BULLITS and teh GET TEH GARBAGE!!! BUT TEHN THE SECRAT SERVACE CATCHES TEHM!!! Teh secrat servace si not vary 733t and tehy tihnk teh HAX0RS ARE EVAL (STOOPID SECRAT SERVACE HAX0RS ARE G00D PEEPUL!!) Tehy arrest teh haxors but BANDICOOT throws teh disk in teh trash as they are walking out. HE shouts "HAX TEH PLANAT!" as he si beeing put into teh copper car and his 733t frends here him. HAX TEH PLANAT si hax0r speek for "WE GOTS TEH GARBAGE FILE AND PUTS IT ON A DISK BUT THE SECRAT SERVACE COT US SO I SHOTS TEH DISK SI IN TEH GARBAGE CAN ON TEH SECOND FLOOR!!" and teh 733t guy finds the disk and EVARYONE SI SAVED!!!

I wuz jumping ups and downs in my living room wehn teh hax0rs won but tehn my cat came back in so I whacked it with my reemote controol and it lade down for awhile STOOPID CAT.

IN conclushun tihs si a vary 733t moovie and u shood go watch it with othar 733t frends and LEARN TO LUV IT bcuz it si SO TRUE!! And gets an appal with a P6 im getting one so i can hax0r with taht 733t GOOEY!!!!!!!1111

Scene to watch for: Penn Jillette as teh 733t securaty gard

Best Line: "Oh, it's Leopard boy. AND the Decepticons."

Things that make you go "Huh?": TEH L33T G00EY!!!

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