Deathstalker (1984)

The best part about this movie is that there isn't a single scene in it that makes a bit of sense, either internally or in conjunction with the rest of the movie. It's just all a bunch of meaningless garbage and stock ideas and cliches run together to make a "movie."

It starts off with a guy in the forest, who has apparently "caught" a woman and is going to go sell her or something. Some guys come out of nowhere and do evil stuff. Deathstalker comes out of nowhere, complains about people being around his horse, and offers the woman a dubious rescue.

Deathstalker goes to see his "king," who is sitting on a chair in the middle of the woods. The "king" tells Deathstalker he needs to go fight in the great tournament being held by the sorcerer who has taken over the castle. Deathstalker apparently refuses, but then he's off to go to the tournament in the next scene.

Deathstalker meets up with a witch, who tells him he has to go find a guy who lives in a hole. Deathstalker tells her not to speak in riddles. He finds the guy, turns into a kid, "frees" the guy from the hole, and turns back into an adult. (?) The guy gives him a special sword, which is apparently one of the three items of creation, or something like that. The other two items are an amulet and a chalice, both of which are in the hands of the evil sorcerer in the castle. After giving up his sword, the hole guy hangs around for most of the rest of the movie, popping up several more times but never doing anything else of note.

Sword Guy and Deathstalker travel on and meet up with Chachi (no, it's not Scott Baio, but it might as well be). Chachi is also going to the tournament. He's a great warrior, you see. Chachi and Deathstalker meet up with a blonde woman (wha wha wha) who is and remains scantily dressed. A sex scene occurs for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

The four of them reach the castle, and so begins our first "brothel" scene. You see, for no reason at all the evil sorcerer gives all the warriors who come for the tournament free reign of the brothel. Chachi pairs off with somebody (wha wha wha), and Deathstalker and Blondie sit in the corner.

Things happen pretty randomly, and this whole brothel scene is ridiculously long. Finally, the evil sorcerer shows up, gives a lame speech, and presents the warriors with a new woman to conquer. She is tied up (wha wha wha), and the sorcerer asks for a "volunteer." Several guys want the honor, but the guy who eventually pushes to the front looks like he just got done shooting Star Wars and stopped off at this brothel on the way home. He tries to ravish the woman, she fends him off, and instantly a fight breaks out involving every person in the room.

The fighting lasts far longer than it needs to, much like everything else in this movie. To make it worse, not long after this fight we move on to the tournament itself, which contains probably the most boring fight scenes ever put on film. The sole highlight of the tournament is the guy who gets beat with a war hammer until nothing is left but a red stain and some rags on the ground.

The evil sorcerer decides that Deathstalker has to die, so he turns a man into a woman to go kill him. She makes the most lame attempts to kill him, after which Deathstalker decides he wants to beat her up and have his way with her. (He's a hero, after all.) It doesn't work out, so she leaves. Blondie gets killed, but Deathstalker doesn't care.

His plan foiled, the evil sorcerer hatches another one. After the next day's fighting, he sends Chachi (who apparently was in league with the evil sorcerer all along, not that it really mattered) to go kill Deathstalker. Chachi walks into Deathstalker's room, announces his intentions to kill him, and they fight. Again we are treated to some of the lamest fight scenes ever, and Chachi (wha wha wha) gets killed. Again, Deathstalker doesn't seem to care much.

Eventually, Deathstalker wins the tournament, runs around for awhile, finds the amulet, and confronts the evil sorcerer to try to get the third item of creation. The sorcerer does some magic stuff, and the old witch shows up out of nowhere to tell Deathstalker it's all an illusion. So Deathstalker, very undramatically, strolls over and takes the chalice from the sorcerer. Deathstalker decides, for no really good reason, that the items of creation need to be destroyed. So he holds them all together over his head, says "I destroy you," and there is a big flash of light, and the credits roll.

I have no idea what the people who made this movie were trying to accomplish, nor do I really think I want to know. None of it makes any sense at all, and I howled with laughter through most of it. Two of the "main" characters do next to nothing. Things happen for no reason. Entire scenes have nothing to do with the plot. The evil sorcerer has an animated sock puppet in a box. We see this thing several times, but nothing ever comes of it. Sword guy has a random scene where he somehow falls through the roof of the brothel. Nothing comes of it. Nobody ever explains where these three items of creation came from or what they really do.

It is movies like this that remind me why the fantasy genre has such a bad name in the minds of the movie going public. However, if you are a fan of bad movies (and since you are reading this, I assume you are) I urge you to see this movie. It's a classic.

Scene to watch for: Star Wars guy hurts his hand.

Best line: "I have ruled longer than most of you have lived. Now I'm old."

Things that make you guy "Huh?": The whole "child who is not a child" thing.