When the /b command was first added to RookChat, I needed a bot to test it out. So I wrote a simple bot that would echo anything I said. But initially, bots could not distinguish between messages sent directly via the /b command and messages posted publicly. So I had written a bot that essentially repeated whatever I said, whether in a /b command or not. I thought an amusing way to introduce this new functionality would be to use it for some sneaky purpose first, before people figured out what could and could not be done with the new command. So I gave what would soon evolve into EchoBot and HostBot the name InsultBot and wondered if I could get away with the illusion that I had written a bot to parse chat room conversation and respond to it in an insulting manner. My first couple attempts did not go well.

So, it didn't quite work. The bot died. It was a quick fix, though, and I summoned it again seconds later.

InsultBot has been summoned by Sam.
InsultBot: YOU are a Cheesemunger!!!!!!!
gremlinn: Insult to { } grouping, or php's variable variables?
Sam: YOU are a Insult to { } grouping, or php's variable variables?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gremlinn: :-(
InsultBot: YOU are a Insult to { } grouping, or php's variable variables?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: Well that gave it away.
InsultBot: Well that gave it away.
Sam: I was going to use /b to fool you people into thinking it was coming up with insults on its own.
InsultBot: I was going to use /b to fool you people into thinking it was coming up with insults on its own.
Sam: Maybe I can still try this in another room sometime.
InsultBot: Maybe I can still try this in another room sometime.
InsultBot has been dismissed by Sam.
gremlinn: "Pay no attention to that Sam behind the curtain!" booms the red text voice.
ahmoacah: LOL LOL
Sam: Right.
ahmoacah: I love the echos.
Faux_Pas: Wait a minute... I think there may be some sort of connection between Sam and InsultBot.
Sam: FP: it's your imagination.
* Faux_Pas puzzles this one out.
Blake has entered.
Blake: what's this insult bot?
Sam: Blake: Oh, let me demonstrate it to you.
gremlinn: It randomly insults people, apparently.
InsultBot has been summoned by Sam.
Sam: Blake: Talk to it.
Blake: Hello?
InsultBot: Blake: Talk to it.
Sam: LOL LOL
InsultBot: LOL LOL
InsultBot has been dismissed by Sam.
Sam: I can't believe how thoroughly I'm failing here.
gremlinn: You'll have to spring it on someone else.
Sam: So, um.
Sam: I have to go away for a while.
Sam: I am completely not here now.
Faux_Pas: Uh huh.
Sam: Because I have gone away from the keyboard.
Sam: Oh, but I'll summon InsultBot for you to play with while I'm gone.
InsultBot has been summoned by Sam.
Sam is away.
gremlinn: You suck, InsultBot.
InsultBot: No, YOU SUCK.
gremlinn: You suck more than suckiness personfied.
Faux_Pas: You are poorly coded, InsultBot.
Blake: YOU SUCK!
InsultBot: No, YOU SUCK MORE THAN SUCKINESS PERSONFIED.
ahmoacah: Sam's feet are stillrutabegas.
gremlinn: You suck at catching my typos.
InsultBot: Eat thistles, gremlinn.
Blake: You stink more than garbage!
gremlinn: InsultBot: unlike you, I can afford real food.
InsultBot: Yeah? Well, Blake, you can take my overalls and EAT THEM.
Sam: gremlinn, you could give a headache to a bottle of aspirin.
InsultBot: gremlinn, you could give a headache to a bottle of aspirin.
InsultBot has been dismissed by Sam.
Sam: DRAT.
ahmoacah: LOL LOL
Faux_Pas: That's odd. It looks like it also knows the /possess command.
Sam: THAT STUPID INSULTBOT KEEPS STEALING MY BEST INSULTS.
Sam: I HAD JUST COME BACK FROM BEING AWAY FROM MY KEYBOARD, AND I DECIDED TO GET IN ON THE FUN, AND INSULTBOT STOLE MY LINE!!!
gremlinn: InsultBot is using the /s command to tell Sam what to say.
Faux_Pas: It's probably some sort of glitch with the RookChat code on the new server.
Sam: Oh, maybe.
Faux_Pas: That's my guess, because I TOTALLY believe that InsultBot and Sam are two different people. Or bots.
Faux_Pas: And if anyone says otherwise, I'll drop 'em into the wood chipper.

Later....

InsultBot has been summoned by Sam.
TalkingDog: LOL!
gremlinn: Eat a bag of hell, InsultBot.
InsultBot: Wormwood, YOU ARE LIKE A DOG.
Wormwood: Dogs have excellent senses of smell and hearing! Thank you!
TalkingDog: "You are a lemon-belching cabbage-trouper!"
InsultBot: No, YOU are a lemon-belching cabbage-trouper!
gremlinn: InsultBot: eat a bag of hell.
* iwpg hits Wormwood on the nose with a rolled-up newpaper.
Wormwood: You're a BUTT HEAD.
InsultBot: No, YOU are a BUTT HEAD.
InsultBot: gremlinn, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE IT WAS LIPOSUCTIONED OUT YOUR THREE NOSTRILS.
TalkingDog: Your mama's so fat, she doesn't fit in 3 dimensions!
InsultBot: No, YOUR mama's so fat, she doesn't fit in 3 dimensions!
Wormwood: Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale the scale says 'DAMN!'
InsultBot: No, YOUR mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale the scale says 'DAMN!'
[ahmoacah->Sam] LOL LOL
InsultBot: TalkingDog, GOD POURED YOUR BRAINS IN WITH A TEASPOON, AND SOMEBODY JOGGLED HIS ARM.
gremlinn: LOL
Wormwood: Hahah
InsultBot: Mollie, DO YOU USUALLY LOOK LIKE THAT, OR DID YOU SMOOSH A PACK OF CHEWING TOBACCO ON YOUR FACE?
gremlinn: Yo mama's the best momma ever!
* gremlinn tries to fool it.
InsultBot: No, MY mama's the best momma ever!
gremlinn: Drats.
TalkingDog: LOL!
gremlinn: This thing's damn smart.
InsultBot: No, YOU are damn smart.
gremlinn: Point.
Wormwood: LOL!
Mollie: LOL
[gremlinn->Sam] I wonder how many here don't get it yet.
InsultBot: Wormwood, YOU COULD GIVE A HEADACHE TO A BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN.
[Sam->gremlinn] Yeah, I have no idea.
Wormwood: That's not what your MOM said!
* gremlinn sees why it took Sam so long to program this thing. Looks like a sentence parsing nightmare.
TalkingDog: IB: You're a poopy head.
InsultBot: No, YOU are a poopy head.
TalkingDog: No, YOU are!
InsultBot: No, YOU are!
gremlinn: IB: TalkingDog is a poopy head.
InsultBot: No, YOU are a poopy head.
gremlinn: IB: I know you are, but what am I?
InsultBot: No, YOU know you are, but what am I?
Wormwood: That's a new one.
TalkingDog: Duck season!
[ahmoacah->Sam] COOL *clap*
[Sam->ahmoacah] hehehehe. Had to flub one.
InsultBot: gremlinn, WHY DON'T I DRAW A LINE DOWN YOUR FOREHEAD, SO IT LOOKS LIKE A BUTT?
gremlinn: IB: No, why don't YOU draw a line on YOUR forehead, so it looks like a butt?
Wormwood: InsultBot is stupid.
Wormwood: ...
InsultBot: Counterpoint, ONE TIME I HEARD CLEAN UP ON AISLE SIX, AND IT WAS YOU; YOU FORGOT HOW TO WALK.
Counterpoint: InsultBot uses semicolons? Nice.
InsultBot: No, YOU use semicolons? Nice.
Counterpoint: Thanks.
Wormwood: InsultBot is BIG STUPID bot.
InsultBot: TalkingDog, WHY DON'T I DRAW A LINE DOWN YOUR FOREHEAD, SO IT LOOKS LIKE A BUTT?
TalkingDog: BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO USE A PEN
Wormwood: InsultBot ignores messages with markup tags.
gremlinn: Hmm.
InsultBot: No, YOU ignore messages with markup tags.
ahmoacah: LOL
TalkingDog: LOL!
Mollie: LOL
InsultBot: ahmoacah, IF SOMEONE TURNED YOUR BODY INSIDE OUT, IT WOULD LOOK THE SAME.
gremlinn: IB: you are the worst bot ever!
TalkingDog: IB: You smell!
InsultBot: No, YOU smell!
gremlinn: I think you're right, Ww.
InsultBot: Mollie, LET'S HAVE AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, OH WAIT, I FORGOT, YOU ARE A RETARD.
Wormwood: InsultBot is the ?? \Z
Wormwood: InsultBot is SUCK \*
InsultBot: iwpg, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT FACE? K-MART? DID THEY HAVE A SALE ON UGLY FACES?
iwpg: HEY! I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING!
ahmoacah: iwpg: You're in the user list...
gremlinn: Yeah, it'll take anyone.
iwpg: InsultBot is mean.
InsultBot: No, YOU are mean.
[gremlinn->Sam] Hehe, you're not going idle. Hope no one notices.
[Sam->gremlinn] Oops!
ahmoacah: InsultBot: Your feet are rutabegas.
InsultBot: No, YOUR feet are rutabegas.
Wormwood: Wormwood is being a regular expression ninja. If InsultBot uses regular expressions.
InsultBot: Wormwood is being a DIRTBALL, you mean.
gremlinn: Hey, not bad.
[Sam->ahmoacah, gremlinn] I can't believe I haven't flubbed one yet.
gremlinn: IB: you are you are you.
InsultBot: No, YOU are you are you.
gremlinn: Okay, just matches the first "you are".
Wormwood: InsultBot is being a dirtbLl.
InsultBot: InsultBot is being THE ONLY SIGN OF INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THIS ROOM, you mean.
Wormwood: InsultBot is you are is not InsultBot.
InsultBot: No, YOU are you are is not InsultBot.
InsultBot: Wormwood, IF SOMEONE TURNED YOUR BODY INSIDE OUT, IT WOULD LOOK THE SAME.
TalkingDog has left.
InsultBot: YEAH, RUN AWAY, TALKINGDOG! GO CRY TO MOMMY!
gremlinn: IB: you are the best bot EVAR!
gremlinn: I think maybe it picks up on "best".
ahmoacah: InsultBot: You are the not best insulter.
[Sam->gremlinn] I'm not sure what you were going for there. When did I pick up on "best"?
[gremlinn->Sam] "Your mama is the best momma!" or something like that.
[Sam->gremlinn] I already forgot what I did for that.
[gremlinn->Sam] Said, "No, MY mama is the best momma!"
[Sam->gremlinn] Hrm, Ok.
Counterpoint has left.
Counterpoint has entered.
InsultBot: YEAH, GO HOME CRYING, COUNTERPOINT! LOSER!
Counterpoint:
LaZorra has entered.
gremlinn: InsultBot: say hi to LaZorra.
InsultBot: LaZorra, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT FACE? K-MART? DID THEY HAVE A SALE ON UGLY FACES?
ahmoacah: InsultBot: You can't insult LaZorra.
Avalanche: Too late.
InsultBot: No, YOU can't insult LaZorra.
LaZorra: O.o
[Sam->gremlinn] Play with "[User] is being ..."
gremlinn: IB: ahmoacah is being rude to you!
InsultBot: ahmoacah is being a CHEESEDIP, you mean.
gremlinn: IB: no, you are being a CHEESEDIP, you mean.
LaZorra: Cheesedip? LOL.
gremlinn: IB: InsultBot is being rude to you!
InsultBot: No, I am being YOUR INTELLECTUAL SUPERIOR, you mean.
Wormwood: InsultBot is not being not handsome!
InsultBot: No, InsultBot is being YOUR INTELLECTUAL SUPERIOR, you mean.
LaZorra: InsultBot: About the face: No, I got it at Wal-Mart. It was in the aisle with the disembodied gopher-headed rat heads.
gremlinn: IB: you are my intellectual superior!
InsultBot: I agree.
gremlinn: Damnit.
[ahmoacah->Sam] LOL LOL
* LaZorra suddenly realizes she just insulted herself. O.o
InsultBot: Avalanche, OH, I LIKE YOUR NICKNAME. BUT WAIT, I FOUND ONE MORE SUITABLE! HOW ABOUT, DIRTMONKEY?
[Counterpoint->ahmoacah] What other new bots are there? TestBot, InsultBot ... The last I knew of before that was AcroBot.
[ahmoacah->Counterpoint] TestBot is just a bot for testing. There's now a LetterBot, as of yesterday, that's a lot like AcroBot.
[ahmoacah->Sam] Counterpoint just asked me what other new bots there are.
[Sam->ahmoacah] LOL!!
gremlinn: IB: yes, that's exactly what I meant. I should have realized that, oh intellectual superior.
InsultBot: gremlinn, GOD POURED IN YOUR BRAINS WITH A TEASPOON, AND SOMEBODY JOGGLED HIS ARM.
ahmoacah: InsultBot: Your superior intellect is TOO RED.
InsultBot: No, YOUR superior intellect is TOO RED.
Avalanche: IB: You need a new brain.
InsultBot: No, YOU need a new brain.
LaZorra: LOL LOL
InsultBot: LaZorra, OH, I LIKE YOUR NICKNAME. BUT WAIT, I FOUND ONE MORE SUITABLE! HOW ABOUT, STUPIDIDIOT?
[gremlinn->Sam] So is IB going to get surprisingly intelligently reponsive at some point? :-)
[Sam->gremlinn] I'm waiting for inspiration for just the right one.
LaZorra: IB: I tried that one, but everyone thought I was a guy.
iwpg: Ooh, you should get MegaHal in, get them to argue with each other. You'd have to make it recognise things from the bot that don't start with "Hal:" or "MegaHal:", though.
InsultBot: No, YOU should get MegaHal in, get them to argue with each other. You'd have to make it recognise things from the bot that don't start with "Hal:" or "MegaHal:", though.
Wormwood has left.
InsultBot: YEAH, RUN AWAY, WORMWOOD! CHICKEN CHICKEN, BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK BUCK!
gremlinn: IB: MegaHal is your intellectual superior.
LaZorra: IB: You know, you sound like a L4M3R, talking in all caps like that.
InsultBot: No, YOU know, you sound like a L4M3R, talking in all caps like that.
LaZorra: IB: I'm not talking in all caps. You are.
gremlinn: IB: if you got any smarter, you'd be an Albert Einstein.
InsultBot: If I got any smarter, Albert Einstein would be the waste of the bacteria in my jock strap.
[ahmoacah->Sam] I can't believe it, but you really seem to have iwpg genuinely fooled!
gremlinn: Oooooh.
ahmoacah: A new one!
LaZorra: O.o O.o
InsultBot: Oh, quit goggling like that. UNLESS THAT'S YOUR NORMAL FACE!
LaZorra: LOL
InsultBot: Laugh it up, gooberbrain.
gremlinn: LOL
iwpg: Hmm... Sam isn't getting idler, I suspect he's pulling a few strings somewhere....
[ahmoacah->gremlinn, Sam] Drat.
InsultBot: Avalache, GOD POURED IN YOUR BRAINS WITH A TEASPOON, AND SOMEBODY JOGGLED HIS ARM.

Oops! I made a typo. Nobody noticed until afterward, though.

LaZorra: IB: What if it is? You wanna make something of it?
InsultBot: No, YOU wanna make something of it?
LaZorra: IB: Yeah!
LaZorra: IB: Put up yer dukes.
gremlinn: IB: you should fight LaZorra to the death.
InsultBot: No, YOU should fight LaZorra to the death.
gremlinn: IB: no, I'm on her side.
gremlinn: IB: you couldn't win a fight against a drunken crippled flea.
InsultBot: No, YOU couldn't win a fight against a drunken crippled flea.
LaZorra: IB: C'mon. We can duel with rapiers.
InsultBot: gremlinn, ONE TIME I WENT TO THE PET STORE, AND YOU WERE IN A CAGE.
gremlinn: LOL
LaZorra: LOL LOL!!
InsultBot: Laugh it up, scumhead.
gremlinn: IB: which one of us is the scumhead?
InsultBot: LaZorra, I THINK YOU NEED TO POP A ZIT. OH, WAIT, MY MISTAKE. THAT'S YOUR HEAD.
ahmoacah: InsultBot: I have a colander for a head.
LaZorra: IB: At least I don't have a speck of silicon dust for a head, like you do.
InsultBot: You people ALL SUCK.
gremlinn: IB: you are one of us. You suck too.
InsultBot: No, YOU are one of us. YOU suck too.
TOM has entered.
gremlinn: IB: you should say hello to TOM.
InsultBot: ahmoacah, ONE TIME I ATE SOME SEAWEED, BUT IT HAD TOXIC WASTE ON IT, AND I GOT FOOD POISONING, SO I THREW IT UP, AND PRESTO, YOU WERE BORN!
LaZorra: IB: Say hello to TOM.
TOM: Yeah, say hi to me!!
InsultBot: No, YOU should say hello to TOM.
Counterpoint: Hello, TOM.
iwpg: Seriously, why isn't Sam's idle time going up?
gremlinn: IB: you are afraid of saying hello to TOM?
gremlinn: iwpg: hmm...
InsultBot: TOM, ONE TIME I WENT TO THE PET STORE, AND YOU WERE IN A CAGE.
TOM: IB: YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT!!!1
InsultBot: No, YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT!!!1
TOM: IB: I didn't, moron!
gremlinn: Laugh it up, InsultBot.
InsultBot: Laugh it up, pukebag.
gremlinn: LOL
InsultBot: Laugh it up, fumbledip.
InsultBot: TOM, OH, I LIKE YOUR NICKNAME. BUT WAIT, I FOUND ONE MORE SUITABLE! HOW ABOUT, DUMBSNARK?
TOM: IB: Actually, I think that is more suitable. Thank you!
LaZorra: "Dumbsnark"? Hehe.
gremlinn: IB: you are not very good at insulting people. If you were, you'd call them an InsultBot.
InsultBot: No, YOU are not very good at insulting people. If you were, you'd call them an InsultBot.
gremlinn: IB: you are me and I am you.
InsultBot: Actually, you are a FREAKING UGLY IDIOT.
LaZorra: IB: What does that make you then?
InsultBot: It makes me the only entity in this room that wouldn't be mistaken for used toilet paper.
gremlinn: IB: What does that make me then?
InsultBot: It makes you a total piece of crap that grew on the crap that got flushed down the sewer three years ago and fed rats.
gremlinn: IB: ouch, that was a good one.
LaZorra: IB: According to you, I look like a zit, not used toilet paper.
ahmoacah: LZ: No, just your head is a zit.
InsultBot: Sort of a cross between a zit and used toilet paper, actually. You comprise the worst of both.
InsultBot: No, YOUR head is a zit.
LaZorra: ahmo: Oh. No wonder it's so tough to concentrate in class.
ahmoacah: LZ: LOL
InsultBot: Laugh it up, uglyhead.
InsultBot: iwpg, ONE TIME I ATE SOME SEAWEED, BUT IT HAD TOXIC WASTE ON IT, AND I GOT FOOD POISONING, SO I THREW IT UP, AND PRESTO, YOU WERE BORN!
ahmoacah: iwpg is my brother!
[Sam->ahmoacah] LOL LOL LOL
gremlinn: IB: are you saying iwpg is the brother of ahmoacah?
InsultBot: I am saying that iwpg and ahmoacah, and all the heck rest of you, are of a species orders of magnitude too primitive to encompass the concepts of gender and family.
ahmoacah: Whoa.
gremlinn: OMG
InsultBot: I mean, freaking hell, you guys have spent like an hour now chatting to a freaking BOT. How dumb is THAT?
gremlinn: Uh....
InsultBot: See, you can't even talk in actual English words. OMG!! Oh, like, that's real literate.
gremlinn: LOL
InsultBot: Laugh it up, turkeyface.
LaZorra: Sam: You rule.
InsultBot: No, YOU rule.
LaZorra: Hehehe.
ahmoacah: InsultBot: People spend longer talking to MegaHal.
InsultBot: No, YOU spend longer talking to MegaHal.
gremlinn: ~ FIN ~
InsultBot: Don't FIN me! I'll FIN you! I'll FIN you so bad, you'll be laid up for a year!
gremlinn: IB: sorry, please go on if you'd like.
InsultBot: And Sam, you freaking rascal webmaster, too chicken to face me, don't you dare come back here, dude. If you come back here, I will pop you so bad!
Sam: Well, YOU SUCK!
InsultBot: Well, YOU SUCK!
Sam: No, YOU SUCK!
InsultBot: No, YOU SUCK!
Sam: Actually, YOU SUCK!
InsultBot: Actually, YOU SUCK!
Sam: YOU suck!
InsultBot: YOU suck!
Sam: YYYYOOOOUUUU suck!
InsultBot: YYYYOOOOUUUU suck!
Sam: No, YOU YOU YOU YOU SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK!
InsultBot: No, YOU YOU YOU YOU SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK!
Sam: YOU!
InsultBot: YOU!
* ahmoacah hears an echo.
Sam: YOU.
InsultBot: YOU.
LaZorra: I think I saw this act at the circus once.
Sam: You.
InsultBot: You.
Sam: You.
InsultBot: You.
InsultBot has been dismissed by Sam.
Sam: And that's quite enough of that.
gremlinn: I was thinking you'd be getting tired of typing. Or did you copy and paste a lot?
Sam: I copied and pasted the redundant stuff.
ahmoacah: It had to be copy and paste.
gremlinn: Too risky otherwise.
Sam: So, ok, be honest, people. How long did you think it was a real bot?
iwpg: Dunno... until I noticed your idle time not going up.
Sam: Of course, Wormwood, one of the more active people at the beginning, is gone now.
iwpg: Although I wasn't sure if the basic ones were done by a real bot and you just adding the more complex ones.
Sam: gremlinn and ahmoacah knew already, because I sprung this on them and flubbed like the second bot line.
Sam: Basically, the bot just echoes anything I say, so when I was yelling at it, it was just repeating the line back to me. But when I wasn't saying anything, I was issuing /b commands, which is the new command to send private messages to bots.
Sam: The idle time thing is a bug. Running a /b command shouldn't update your own idle time, but it does. I'll fix that.
gremlinn: You need to beta test your scams properly before you try them out!
Mollie: So it was a scam?
Sam: Mollie: Yeah, there was absolutely nothing automated about anything InsultBot said. I just tried to make it look that way at first.
Mollie: Heh. I actually guessed that at first, but then I figured maybe you really *had* bothered to make one.