This archive will probably go over your head unless you are familiar with
Angband, an open-source freeware computer role playing game based on Tolkien's
world of Middle-Earth. If you're not familiar with Angband but know fantasy
role-playing games in general, you should be able to pick up most of it.
Dave: My chest hurts. I think that guy poked my heart. I'm going to go to the hospital and make him pay the bill.
Darien: Aww, poor Dave. Brokenhearted, huh? :-}
Dave: No, not broken. Bruised.
Darien: One of those karate-master touches of death, I assume?
Dave: Well, no. Not unless it's one of those really slow-acting ones.
Brunnen_G: Yeah! They do that to you, and then you die, like, eighty years later or something.
Dave: I think it was mostly the BRUTAL CHEST POKE OF GREATER DISCOMFORT 4 (2d4) (+1,+3)
Darien: Ooh, rough. At least he didn't breathe shards. One of my old co-workers did that.
Dave: Yeah, breathing shards SUCKS.
Dave: It's also a good thing he doesn't breed explosively.
Darien: One of my old co-workers did THAT, too.
Darien: She had like nine kids.
Sam: "Hey! Stop poking me! Look, I'm just trying to get to my cubicle. Hey, move OUT of the way. All right, almost there. You, move. You, move. You, move. You, move. You, move. You, move. Ah ha! I can step to the entrance of the cube! Ok, you, out. You, out. You, out. You, out. You, out. There.
Dave: Close door. Jam door.
Dave: Recite scroll of "Word of Recall" to go home.
Dave: Try again at a different company.
Darien: I had several co-workers who disenchanted me.
Dave: I had a co-worker who would start to fight me, then steal something from my pockets and disappear in a puff of smoke.
Dave: The best was the time I killed my co-worker, and she dropped her ring, and I put it on and it must have been a Ring of Wisdom because suddenly I realized how bad an idea it had been to kill my co-worker.
Darien: Several of our customers were in the Farmer Maggot family. As in, they could whine, and whine, and moan, and it took bloody forever to get rid of them.
Dave: My boss is a Battle-Scarred Veteran.
Dave: I used to be afraid of him, but now I could take him easy.
Darien: My boss was definitely a squint-eyed rogue.
Sam: Puck's a squint-eyed rogue, I think.
Brunnen_G: LOL! Only in that one photo
Sam: The rest of the time he's just a regular rogue.
Darien: And our District Manager was MORGOTH HIMSELF.
Darien: I could always tell when he was coming, since he was the only person I've ever met who looked just like a capital M.
Dave: I went to get some stuff at the company store, and the guy at the counter told me he hoped I'd be molested by the fleas of 10,000 orcs. Can you imagine such rudeness?
Dave: I finally got him down to $4 for the Laptop, though.
Dave: But then i tried to buy a coffee mug for thirty seven cents, and he got pissed and threw me out and locked the door.
Sam: Where I used to work, I had to haggle my salary every week. Eventually I figured out the formula to get the best salary every time, so finally my boss just gave me that amount and skipped the hassle.
Darien: My old headmaster in middle school was a drolem, I think. He definitely breathed poison. Someone needed to get that man a breath mint.
Sam: My cubicle was too small, so I bought a shovel and made it bigger. Took a lot of whacks with the shovel before a whole big chunk of it came out.
Dave: I was walking through the office the other day when all of a sudden the lights went out.
Dave: I didn't have a torch with me, so I had to stumble around until I found the stairs.
Sam: That happened to me when I left my phial in my office. Funny story, though. I finally got back home, and then I found it was in my back pocket the whole time.
Darien: Ever get to the point where you won't use anybody else's pen without IDing it first to make sure it's not a Pen of Morgul?
Dave: Nah, because all the pens we have here are either Inferior or Cursed.
Darien: I liked watching my college friends have fun with Mushrooms of Hallucination.
Dave: One time after we got back from a Mexican lunch my co-worker cast stinking cloud in my cubicle.
Sam: The place I worked before that, though, was worse. There were packs of Marketing Hounds that were just brutal. I used to have to hide in the cubicle around the corner and lure them into other engineers' cubicles two aisles down before I could return to my seat.
Darien: One time, I got a light cut on my leg, and I just sat there screaming "pab!" "pab!" trying to heal it.
Dave: I like to walk down the hall with a shovel and bash the walls randomly.
Dave: Sometimes I open up a crack, and there are pennies inside.
Dave: Sometimes dimes and quarters!!!
Dave: One time I found a scroll on the floor, so I read it, and suddenly I knew where all of my co-workers kept their stashes of spare change.
Darien: Periodically I start searching the floor in front of me for discoloured spots or dart traps.
Darien: And I used to go around just bashing all the doors down instead of trying to open them. But I've sinced raised my dex, and I only have to do that occasionally.
* Brunnen_G still cracks up thinking of Sam and Dave whacking the walls in that tunnel in North Head, looking for secret areas.
Sam: I have NEVER felt more like I was in an RPG dungeon adventure than in those tunnels at North Head. In fact, that's basically the ONLY time I've felt like I was in an RPG.
Darien: Did you guys seriously do that? Wow. That RULES.
Sam: Oh yeah. Dave and I were cracking RPG jokes.
Brunnen_G: If I'd known how much fun they'd have at North Head, I'd have taken them to Stoney Batter on Waiheke Island, which is like that only about ten thousand times bigger.
* Brunnen_G mentally writes down "Stoney Batter" on the must-do list for whoever is the next Rinkie to visit here.
Sam: I mean, the tunnels even had these angular alcoves that look like a one-square dead end in a generated maze. Dave and I figured those were monster pits.
Brunnen_G: Yeah! The monster pits!
Brunnen_G: There were monster pits right off the entrance to a lot of the tunnels.
Darien: Did you find any Greater Vaults?
Sam: At one point we even started walking ten feet at a time. Ten feet, stop, ten feet, stop, ten feet, stop, inspect the area, inspect the area, inspect the area, inspect the area, inspect the area, oh, I found money.
Sam: Ten feet, stop, ten feet, hack hack hack hack hack hack hack kill, ten feet, stop, ten feet, stop.
Darien: That's it. Next year's convention is somewhere where there are caves to explore. :-}
Darien: I've explored in the woods a lot, but that's not nearly so good for Angband jokes. :-}
Brunnen_G: Hrm. This is probably why I never saw much point in RPGs. I live someplace where I can do most of that stuff in real life. :-)
Brunnen_G: Well, apart from the killing monsters aspect.
Darien: You've never killed any monsters? I've killed lots.
Darien: Oh, except that we called them "freshmen."
Darien: They breathed plenty of sound, though.
Brunnen_G: Stoney Batter is better than North Head, too, because there *are* monsters in the tunnels.
Darien: Really? What kind?
Brunnen_G: Well, technically, they're sheep and cattle, but when you're in a pitch black tunnel and you hear something big moving up ahead, a monster is a monster.
Darien: Cattle *definitely* count as monsters. They have horns.
Brunnen_G: Stoney Batter is on farmland so the animals wander into the tunnels sometimes. It's really freaky. Especially if they don't manage to wander *out* again, because then they die in there, and you trip over them, and it's icky.
Darien: Gee. You're making me all excited to go there. I get to trip over dead sheep.
Brunnen_G: You need a torch for Stoney Batter.
Darien: No I don't. I have the Arkenstone of Thrain.
Brunnen_G: There's this one place I remember, where you come to these steps going down. FOREVER. Just pitch dark tunnel, and pitch dark steps going down until you can't see the bottom.
Brunnen_G: I never did go all the way down to see what was at the bottom, or if it just continued into the centre of the earth or what.
Sam: Ok, that tunnel that we COULD see the end of was 1.1 KILOMETERS LONG. And you say you couldn't find the end to these stairs??
Brunnen_G: Well, there wasn't light at the end of them. They might not have been all that long. But they looked like it.
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