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Archives: The Cat Outside the Window of Hate


It all started one ordinary evening in RinkChat. Stephen had been on for hours but had said very little. Then, out of the blue, after eons of silence:

Stephen: If my hatred for the lot of you was a car, it would probably be some sort of really big car with windows.
Dave: That's very philosophical, Stephen.
famous: I try to stay away from cars with windows. I think they're a bad idea.
Stephen: EXACTLY!
Nyperold: Oh good. You wish to stay away from your hatred.
Stephen: No, not at all. This is totally over your head, isn't it?
Nyperold: I just figured it out from what you said.
Nyperold: Your hatred is a car with windows, and you agree with famous, who wants to stay away from such cars.
Stephen: Sigh. Never mind, you just don't get it
* Nyperold thinks he'd do well in logic class. :)
Stephen: I wasn't agreeing with famous about the staying away part!
Stephen: Nor was I agreeing with the "bad idea" part, lest you go thinking you have it all figured out.
Stephen: Do you see now why my hatred has so many windows?
Stephen: It's a metaphor, dammit! Stop taking everything so literally.
Dave: Is it can look out at all the people you...hate?
Stephen: Sort of. You had it with that first part, but after the second one. You know. famous gets it -- I really didn't think it was that complex.
Washu: Or so you can see them to run them down with the minivan of Doom?
Stephen: It's a car, not a minivan. I have no idea where you get such insane notions from
* Nyperold thinks his car has only hot air conditioning.
Stephen: LOL! Exactly my point!
Nyperold: SUV?
Stephen: Gah! And I thought you understood what was going on here
Stephen: Do the lot of you even understand English? Or are you just randomly typing words?
Nyperold: I do. Your hatred is full of hot air.
Dave: I think I get it. Your car of hate has big windows because... you have... big... windows of hate into your soul?
Stephen: No, and quite frankly I don't like what you're implying.
Dave: Hrm.
Stephen: famous: Can you explain it to them?
famous: I'll try...
famous: It's like this. Sometimes you have to keep the doors locked. Does that clear it up for everyone?
Dave: I guess I'm just groping blindly in a car with no interior lights.
Dave: Or is that it? Your hate car has big windows because the dome light is broken and you need big windows to let the light in?
Stephen: No... it's like, uh, you know...erm, what's that word for when you think of something to say after the situation where you should have said it?
Washu: Stupid?
Dave: Slowness
Washu: Are we talking about normal windows or sunroofs -- or a convertible?
Washu: Child safety locks?
Dave: OH OH OH! I think I get it now!
Dave: It's like, sometimes you need really big windows, and sometimes you don't. But it's usually better to have them then to not have them. Right?
Stephen: Closer.
Stephen: "esprit d'escalier" That's it.
Stephen: That sums up exactly what I'm talking about here.
Nyperold: The spirit of the staircase. Gotcha.
Stephen: Yes, there you go.
Dave: See, if you have really big windows, it lets all the light in. But if you don't have really big windows, you don't get as much light--which is ok, if the dome light is working. But if it's *not* working (and it all goes back to the dome light, I think) you need those big windows.
Stephen: The dome light has NOTHING to do with this conversation.
Dave: Oh.
Dave: And I thought I was so close. *sigh*
Dave: Hrm. Wait.
Dave: I'm thinking about the locked doors. Maybe I have it now.
Dave: Sometimes.... you need to lock the doors.... because otherwise..... someone will get in and break your dome light!
Stephen: NO! NO dome light!
Dave: GAH!
* famous shakes her head.
famous: I don't think you'll ever get this Dave.
Dave: Ok, ok.
Dave: No dome light... no dome light...
Stephen: Look, in this metaphor, a dome light would likely represent either (A) My internal hatred of myself (which isn't what we're talking about), or (2) The sheer hardship of being.
* Washu offers Stephen a flashlight. If you rig it up right, it can be a dome light...
Dave: I GOT IT!
Dave: You need the big windows, and the locked doors, so people can look in and see that you have The Club installed, and they won't try to break in!!!
Stephen: But The Club is so easily gotten around. And what about my CD player?
Dave: That's what the locked doors are for!
Stephen: Ah, but could the windows not be broken easily?
Dave: Hrm. Oh yeah.
Stephen: You must consider the metaphorical implications of all this.
Dave: No no, that's why you've got the alarm system! The big windows TEMPT people to break in, but then your alarm system goes off and they lose control of their bowels from the extremely loud sound!
Dave: That's it! I've got it!
Stephen: You're so close, yet so far away
Dave: Darn.
Dave: Hrm.
Nyperold: Ah! So you hate-car is being filled with hate-light from outside!
Nyperold: And the big windows let a lot of light in.
* Nyperold never met a phor he didn't like.
Dave: Ah-HA!
Dave: Sometimes.... You just NEED big windows! To hate!
Stephen: EXACTLY!
Dave: YES!!
* famous congratulates Dave
Dave: It's all about the big windows! I get it now!
Stephen: Yup. Very good
Stephen: I hope you see now how ludicrous that dome light business was.
Dave: Yes. How silly of me. Dome light indeed!
Dave: It's the windows. The WINDOWS!
* Stephen is scared
Stephen: There's some sort of psycho cat outside my window...
famous: Oh COOL! Psycho cats RULE!
Stephen: Not really. I think it was trying to get in... I saw something quickly like jump against the window... I look out, and it's just sitting there, staring at me.
Stephen: It's too hot to shut my window, too. And my bed is right underneath my window. I fear sleeping.
famous: It's probably in love with you. Have you been getting weird cat calls in the middle of the night?
Stephen: I'm also afraid to go look and see if it's still out there -- it could easily be something more sinister
Nyperold: If it gets in, it shouldn't be a problem unless it gets in the shower.
Nyperold: The Bates Meowtel.
famous: Just watch out for suspicious hairballs. Those things can be deadly.
Stephen: The thing is...if I look out, and it's still there, that's pretty creepy. Of course, if it's not, WHERE DID IT GO!?
Dave: It went to break your dome light.
Stephen: I so wish I lived at my old house. I had a second story room worries.
famous: Someone is paranoid.
Stephen: The really scary thing is that I've seen enough horror movies to know that when you see/hear something creepy, and then it APPEARS to just be a cat, it's always something much worse.
Dave: No no, you've got it wrong. It's a cat when you think it's something ELSE.
Dave: When you think it's a cat, THEN it's a mad psycho killer.
Dave: So just get yourself convinced it's a mad psycho killer, and it'll only be a little kitty!
Stephen: Hrmm...okay. When I originally heard the noise, I thought it was something worse. So maybe I'm okay.
Stephen: But...what if I'm in one of those new, post-Scream self-aware horror movies? What then?
famous: Then walk out onto the porch. Then the cat will be in the house. Make sure you run towards the car coming up the driveway.
Dave: Then you run. Run out into the wide open, where there are lots of lights and people.
Dave: Whatever you do, don't do something stupid like run up to the attic or down to the basement. The killer ALWAYS gets you there!
Stephen: Hrmm...I live in an apartment complex. Do I have any hope?
Dave: Yes, but only if you stay away from the phone. Because if you pick up the phone to call someone, the killer will cut the line and you'll be dead within two minutes. So don't pick up the phone!
Stephen: Hey, at least I don't have an attic or a basement!
Stephen: Too bad I'm not a chick. I'd have a much better chance of survival if I was. We've got like a 2% survival chance.
Dave: Well, sometimes if you're the boyfriend of the chick who survives, you get to survive too. But only if you don't touch her!
Stephen: Ok -- don't call anyone.
Stephen: Hey, should I go jump into the pool?
Dave: NO NO NO NO! Pools are bad!
famous: No...pools are bad. Death traps.
Stephen: Darn. What about a parking lot?
Stephen: Oh, hey, my garage is nice and dark and isolated. I may go there. (I think my cordless phone will still work there too, so I'll be ok.)
Dave: What did I just say about phones!? GAH!
Stephen: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
famous: Make sure you have a refrigerator in there, so that you can knock the psycho out with the door of it, if needed.
Stephen: Hey, if I get in my car, I'm guaranteed to be safe, right?
Stephen: And, since I'm in such a rush, I won't bother to check the back seat.
Dave: The best course of action is just to stay where you are. It's trying to get away that usually causes problems. If you don't try to run or hide or use the phone or swim in the pool, the killer will just get bored and go home.
Stephen: Hrmm...ok. I'll just sit back, relax, and enjoy some recreational drug use.
Dave: AHHHH!! No! Killers HATE kids who use drugs! Don't you know anything?
Stephen: Dang. That's so lame.
Stephen: All right. Can I wander through my dark apartment, with something like a bat in hand, feebly saying, "Hello? Hello? Anyone there?"
Dave: No. I told you. Sit where you are. Don't change your habits at all. Assume all noises are deranged killers, but DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! Don't swim in the pool. Don't use your phone. Don't go to your garage. Don't do ANYTHING! Just sit on your butt and play Tribes or something. Then you'll be safe.
Stephen: What if I were to watch like a horror movie? Would that be ok?
famous: NO! Watching horror movies only draws them closer to the house. Plus, it'll make you even more scared.
Dave: Oh, forget it, Stephen, you're too dumb to live anyway. Go to the window to look for the cat. Get yourself killed already.
Stephen: Ok. I'll be right back.
Stephen: Gotta make a call first though.
Dave: Ok. Make sure you go to your garage. The phone reception is better there.

Brief pause.

Stephen: You think you're *so* smart, don't you Dave? Well I didn't get killed -- just wounded a bit. The masked guy fled into the bushes or my closet or something. I'm gonna call the police in a few minutes.
Dave: Ok, you do that. But first make sure to walk around your house with that bat.
Stephen: Ooh, right.
Stephen: Actually, I'll have the bat in one hand, the phone in the other (to call the police).
Dave: And when you find your cat hiding in that closet, make sure you calm down and figure nothing is wrong.
Stephen: Right. I already have.
Dave: There you go. Now take the bat and phone and go swim in the pool.
famous: Ugh. I gotta go.
Stephen: Ok, later. If you hear any suspicious noises, give me a call.

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