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Archives: Moses: The Continuing Story


We were joking, but I certainly wouldn't put any of this past Hollywood.

Sam: Prince of Egypt RULED.
Speedball: Prince of Egypt did rule. They should do a sequel about the rest of Moses' life.
Sam: "Prince of Egypt: Revenge of Pharaoh."
Brunnen_G: Hahaha! YES!
Brunnen_G: Pharoah Strikes Back
Faux_Pas: Prince of Egypt 2: Pharoahic Bugaloo.
Sam: He'd come back from beyond the grave and raise a legion of zombie assassins that would march on the Promised Land (which Moses would get to this time, of course; audiences wouldn't buy the unhappy ending otherwise).
Brunnen_G: LOL LOL
Speedball: It would the Golden Idol that brings back Pharoah. Then it becomes a giant Godzilla like monster
Speedball: A giant fire breathing Golden Calf with the Zombie/Mummy of the Pharaoh on his back and the army of zombies and killer Scarab bugs.
Faux_Pas: That burning bush was SUXOR. It should've been a great big floating head, like in Lion King or ZARDOZ.
Sam: We need to add great new characters for the sequel, though. Hmmm. Maybe a talking tabernacle. And the manna could get a big chorus line number.
Faux_Pas: Yeah, can't we get Noah in there somehow? We could get a whole Titanic-buzz around the movie!
Sam: Noah can be Moses' nephew. AND DON'T FORGET LOT!
Faux_Pas: Lot could be the new Pharoah!
Faux_Pas: After he fights with Moses, he emancipates the slaves!
Speedball: Total blockbuster material. We should run with this.
Nyperold: This story has been Hollywoodified for dramatic effect.
Brunnen_G: And bring back INDIANA JONES with the Ark of the Covenant!!
Sam: YEAH!
Speedball: Moses's new best friend, Samson would be the action hero of the film
Brunnen_G: Hahahahahaha! Speedball, that RULES. That is SO exactly what I could picture Hollywood doing.
Sam: No, wait. Oh gosh. Billion dollar idea here. Check this out: We THINK Lot is the new Pharaoh, but then it turns out that -- gasp! -- Lot was only *pretending* to be the new Pharaoh. He's really the lackey of the REAL new Pharaoh, who is none other than -- GASP! -- MOSES' LONG LOST BROTHER ABRAHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sakura: This is starting to scare me.
Speedball: Samson would be drawn to look like a long haired Superman, complete with a toga that looks like a cape with an 'S' on the back
Tubba: So who would be the chick in the bikini?
Brunnen_G: Lot's wife.
Speedball: Sarai/Sarah, Abraham's wife
Brunnen_G: Yeah! All that about how Sarah was really old, we can change that. She can be a bikini bimbo instead.
Faux_Pas: Abraham had the technicolor coat, right? We get Jeremy Irons to play him -- the role he was born to play!
Sam: We should bump up the rating a bit. We'll thrown in how Moses gets tempted by Bathsheba and make it a PG-13.
Tubba: OK, so what would blow up?
Faux_Pas: Mount Siani would blow up, and it would be up to Moses to rescue the little lost child on the slopes.
Tubba: Hmm. OK, but you can't seriously expect to get by with the baddie having an English accent.
Faux_Pas: But I thought all bad guys were British?
Tubba: They are.
Tubba: I mean you can't give the baddie an English accent for this film.
Brunnen_G: Of course you can. If officers of an evil empire set in another damn *galaxy* can have an English accent, why can't pharaohs?
Speedball: And we have to. How else will the audience know he is evil?
Tubba: OK, I'm convinced.
Sam: After Moses sends Bathsheba's husband John the Baptist off the battle so he'll die, and Moses can have her, his new bride Rebecca finds out and leaves him. So Moses has to work for Laman seven more years and gets Rebecca's sister Jezebel for a replacement bride. Whoa! Big mistake!
Brunnen_G: Hahahahahaha!
Faux_Pas: Oh -- I've got the perfect Moses! Imagine if you will...
Faux_Pas: Keanu Reeves as the Big M.
Speedball: Whoa
Speedball: And instead of being the bad girl, Delilah is Samson's partner in battle, in a revealing swimsuit-esque battle armor, like Xena.
* Brunnen_G doesn't think Lot's wife can turn into a pillar of salt these days. It might have to be a pillar of low-fat tofu.
Tubba: Would there be any big red digital timers?
Tubba: If I don't spend half of the movie looking at 0:00:~, I'm not interested.
Faux_Pas: Plenty!
Speedball: Of course. The Giant Golden Idol would actually be a bomb sent by evil demon/aliens.
Nyperold: And it's an end-time prophecy.
Tubba: Actually, all of those big red digital timers do have hour counters on, don't they? Even if it's a twenty minute bomb.
Sam: So this prophet guy Elijah comes along. He's sort of like Sir Lancelot. He swears an oath of allegiance to Moses, but then he falls in love with Jezebel, and they carry on behind his back.
Sam: When Moses finds out, he is traumatized. He runs away to sea, where he is reunited with his long lost father Noah, who is aboard his ark with the animals. Moses gets thrown overboard by the ostriches, and Moses is swallowed by a whale.
Faux_Pas: After the ark hits the iceberg, Sam.
Brunnen_G: Yeah!
Sam: ICEBERG! I don't know why I didn't think of that! That's BRILLIANT!
Speedball: Ya see, the planet Mars is actually Hell, and Satan is called Lord Satantorvon, and leads an army of pan-galactic Mars Demons intent of taking over Earth
Sam: "Get your hands off me, you damn dirty undead Pharaoh!"
Faux_Pas: As long as the Undead Pharoah Abraham refers to Moses as a "man-animal," I'll be happy.

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