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Archives: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

1/20/00

If you've ever seen the game show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, you may appreciate this impromptu send-up of it.

Finchplucker: Hey, in honor of Stupid Eve, I say we have a Stupid Contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
Finchplucker: I call Stupid Contestant!
RinkChat: User Finchplucker has been labeled 'StupidContestant' by Finchplucker.
Finchplucker: Sam, would you care to be Mr. Game Show Host?
Sam: Sure.
Kiki: i'm the nervous girlfriend sitting in the audience who the camera continually cuts to!!
Sam: Well, we're back at Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? So let's play: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Sam: To determine our next contestant, put the following four venereal diseases in reverse order of their fatality: Syphilis, Gonorrhea, AIDS, Crabs.
Finchplucker: Um, Crabs, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, AIDS
eric_sleator: aids, gonorrhea, crabs, children
Nyperold: eye, ear, nose, and throat.
Sam: You're all wrong! And who was wrong in the fastest time!? Why, it's Finchplucker! Step right up, Finchplucker.
Finchplucker: Hooray!

Audience cheers.

Cut to Kiki.

* Kiki cheers in audience
* Kiki looks nervous
RinkChat: User Kiki has been labeled 'nervous gf' by Kiki.
Sam: So, then, Finchplucker, tell me, what do you do?
Finchplucker: Um, I'm unemployed. I hunt a lot though.
Sam: That's very interesting!
Sam: Let's begin the game.
* eric_sleator , as the deranged musician, plays spooky music at this inappropriate occasion
Sam: You know the rules. You answer questions worth increasing amounts of money. When you reach the $1000 and $32,000 levels, you're guaranteed to leave with at least that much. You have three lifelines, which are very important. And now let's get started.
Finchplucker: Okay, I'm ready...
Sam: For $100, Finchplucker:
Sam: Which of the following is a color? Is it (A) checkers, (B) umbilical cord, (C) blue, or (D) armpit?

Cue overdramatic music while Finchplucker thinks.

* Dave buzzes in

Get all dark and spooky.

* Dave is buzzing like mad. He *knows* this one!
Finchplucker: Hmmm...Ummmm...Okay...I think...Oh, is it, No, Um...C?
* eric_sleator plays really bad-sounding minor chords in three different keys
Sam: C?
* Dave slaps his forehead. D'oh!
Finchplucker: Um, wait.........Yeah...Yes.
Sam: Confident?
* Finchplucker mops on his brow..."Yes."
Sam: You're sure?
* eric_sleator makes the music even more dramatic
Finchplucker: Yeah... I think so.
Sam: Final answer?
Finchplucker: Um, Yes?
* eric_sleator plays a drum roll on the cymbals instead of the drums
Sam: He says C...

Unnecessarily long pause.

* Kiki covers mouth with hand
RinkChat: User Dave has been labeled 'Still Buzzing In' by Dave.
* Sam holds his finger up in the air and looks down at the monitor.

The suspense is unbearable.

* eric_sleator crescendoes the cymbal roll
Sam: He's RIGHT for ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!

Yay! Yay! Cheer!

* Finchplucker exhales.
* eric_sleator plays fanfare
* Nyperold faints.
* Nyperold cheers, nonetheless.
Finchplucker: Phew!

Cut to Kiki.

* Kiki smiles
Brunnen_G: Hooray, Finch! Now you can give Sam his $100 and keep playing!
Brunnen_G: That's the way it works, right?
* eric_sleator plays a long, annoying tune
* Finchplucker is intensely focused.
* Dave is still trying to buzz in.

Dave doesn't understand how this game works.

* Dave is still buzzing in anyway. He likes the buzzer. *buzz* *buzz* *buuuuuzzzzzzzzzz*
Sam: Would you like to see a check with your name on it for $100?
Sam: This is what you could have if you quit now.
Finchplucker: Hmmm....Well, that first one was pretty tough...Gee...Well, shucks, um, hmmm...
Sam: You have all three lifelines intact, which is very important.
* Finchplucker rubs his chin.

Cut to Kiki.

* Kiki bites her fingernails
* eric_sleator plays dramatic music
RinkChat: User Nyperold has been labeled 'still fainted' by Nyperold.
Finchplucker: Well, then I'd like to call a friend about this then.
Sam: You'd like to phone a friend to help you decide whether to continue?
Sam: Who would you like to call?
Finchplucker: Yes, I'd like to call...Hmmm, Nyperold.
Brunnen_G: Nyperold is still unconscious.
Sam: Ok, we'll just sit tight for a moment, while our friends at AT&T get Nyperold on the phone.

Ring.

Ring.

Nyperold: He...Hello?
Sam: Hello, Nyperold?
Nyperold: Yeeees?
Sam: This is Samgis, from RinkBC's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" We've got your friend Finchplucker in the studio...
Sam: He's won $100 already, and he needs a little of your help.
Sam: In just a moment, he's going to ask you a question. Finchplucker, you have 30 seconds, starting now.
Finchplucker: Nyperold, what should I do? I could get 100 bucks or lose it all. 100 bucks buys a lot of ammo ... What should I do?

Buzz, buzz, buzz. Nyperold is cut off.

Finchplucker: H...Hello?
Sam: Well, Finchplucker, what do you think?
* eric_sleator plays ominous music on a tuba and tambourine
Sam: You still have two lifelines intact, the 50-50, or you can poll the audience.
Finchplucker: Um, I don't know...he didn't tell me. I hate AT&T anyway...Um, could I go 50-50?
Sam: Sure. Computer, please take away all but two of the answers: the right answer and one of the wrong answers.

Computer removes answers with a dramatic pulse.

Sam: Answers remaining: (1) Move on to the $200 question. (2) Don't move on to the $200 question.
* Kiki looks nervous
Finchplucker: Okay...Well, I think I'll go for it.
* Finchplucker mops his brow.
Sam: All right, for $200, here is your question...
* Finchplucker mops his brow again.

Lights get all dark. Music swoons.

Sam: For $200: Which of the following is a former member of the Beatles: (A) Mickey Rooney, (B) Ringo Starr, (C) Ex-President Jimmy Carter, or (D) Dr. Bunson Honeydew?
Finchplucker: That's for 200 dollars?!? That's impossible!
* Finchplucker looks really nervous.

Wooo...ping...dooo...bling...

Sam: You still have one lifetime, which is very important.
* Dave starts buzzing in again. He KNOWS THIS ONE!
* Kiki wrings her hands
* Finchplucker mops his brow.
* Dave would just like everyone to know, off the game-show record, that they should never, *ever* try mac-n-cheese-n-salsa. Ever.
Finchplucker: Um, I have to use my last lifeline.
Sam: Ok, audience, Finchplucker needs your help. Ring in with what you think is the answer, and the votes will be tallied.
* Dave rings in with C
* Kiki rings in with D
eric_sleator: c! c! the answer's c!
Nyperold: *ring* ¤

Clongk!

Sam: Well, Finchplucker, it's not a strong majority, but the message is pretty clear. For (A): 0 votes. For (B): 0 votes. For (C): 2 votes. For (D): 1 vote. For some character I can't type: 1 vote. Abstaining: 4 votes.
Sam: What do you think? Will you trust the audience with the abstention, or choose your own answer?
* Kiki smiles fondly at Finch
* Finchplucker is too absorbed in the game to notice his lovely girlfriend.
Finchplucker: I don't know...Well, I've always been a fan of the Muppets, so I'm going with D.
* Dave is slowly losing his mind, what with always being ignored when he buzzes in.
Sam: D?
Finchplucker: Yes...Yes.
Sam: Confident?
Finchplucker: Yes.
Sam: Sure?
Finchplucker: Well... Ummm...Ye.....Yes....Yeah, I'm sure.
Sam: How sure are you?
Finchplucker: I'm pretty sure, man, I'm confident.
Sam: Final answer?
Finchplucker: Ye....Yeah.....Wait, ye....No, no, I want to change that...Can I?
Sam: Of course you can!
Finchplucker: Okay, good...Um, I'd like to change my answer to D, Dr. Bunson Honeydew.
Sam: Confident?
Finchplucker: Yes. I'm sure.
Sam: Sure?
Finchplucker: Yesssssss......Yeah. Sure.
Sam: Final answer?
Finchplucker: Um, yes. D is my final answer.
* Dave is buzzing CRAZILY
* Finchplucker mops his brow.
Sam: Say, Finch, what will you do with the million dollars if you win it?
Finchplucker: Well, shucks, I could always get that Ford pickup, with big ol' lights, and a gun rack, and then I would go out and buy me that Remington I always wanted...Then I'd take my girl to the diner for an All-You-Can-Eat. Then maybe buy a trailer.
Sam: That's very interesting, which is very important.

Cut to Kiki.

* Kiki wipes a tear
* Kiki looks VERY nervous
Sam: So D is your final answer?
* Dave is LOSING it.
Finchplucker: Yes...I think so, yes. C'mon, Remington, Ford, All-You-Can-Eat...
Sam: He says D, Dr. Bunson Honeydew...
* Finchplucker mops his brow.

Dead silence lasting inordinate amount of time.

Cut to commercial. Come back. Samgis is still poised, and the suspense is still on.

Samgis looks at his monitor.

Samgis shakes his head in that 'You don't know if I'm saying you're wrong or if I'm simply astounded that you got it right' way.

* Finchplucker mops his brow.
* Pliffilif hands Finchplucker a mop
Sam: I'm sorry, that is incorrect. The correct answer is (C), Ex-President Jimmy Carter. I'm sorry, you leave here with nothing. But thank you for playing on WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

Crowd, initially disappointed at the loss, cheers at the mention of the game show name.

Cut to Kiki, who looks like she could rip his throat out.

* Dave has LOST IT! He KNEW THAT ONE!
* Dave SNAPS!
Liface has entered.
RinkChat: User Nyperold has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User Brunnen_G has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User Stephen has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User Sam has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User Finchplucker has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User Kiki has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User Pliffilif has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
RinkChat: User eric_sleator has been kicked from the chat room by Dave.
Kiki has left.
Sam has left.
Finchplucker has left.
Stephen has left.
Pliffilif has left.
eric_sleator has left.
Nyperold has left.
Brunnen_G has left.
Liface: Sweet
Liface: Hi dave
Sam has entered.
Kiki has entered.
eric_sleator has entered.
Pliffilif has entered.
Brunnen_G has entered.
Riff has entered.
Finchplucker has entered.
* Dave KNEW THAT ONE, AND NO ONE WOULD LET HIM BUZZ IN!
Liface: Thanks for kicking everyone but me
RinkChat: User Dave has been kicked from the chat room by Sam.
Dave has left.
Dave has entered.

There are NO BUZZERS on this show!

* Dave tries to regain his composure.

It wasn't for a moment or two after that that Dave and I realized exactly what had happened. Dave had intended to kick everyone, but Liface slipped in just before, and Dave missed kicking him. Liface's timely entrance and innocently understated opening remarks sent Dave and I into uncontrollable fits of laughter. We kept private messaging each other expressing just out much we had lost it. Ok, so we're weird -- it was still funny.

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